Third, stay with it. There won’t be any easy answers, but there are tools and skills that can turn your marriage around. Many of these tools, like listening non-defensively, taking time-outs, validating your mate’s perceptions and opinions even if you disagree with them, are difficult to learn and practice. They won’t come naturally or easily, but will dramatically alter your lives.

Finally, take heart. I’ve seen many couples respond to an urgent situation and change the negative course of their relationship. I’ve developed Marriage Intensives, where couples work with me intensively over a weekend to accurately assess where they are practicing destructive tactics, and learn to practice healthy strategies. The key to the effectiveness of these Intensives is to practice healthy skills. Undoing old patterns is hard work, but it is doable. Learning new skills is not easy, but you can do it.

“It is not practice makes perfect, but that perfect practice makes perfect.”

Dear Dr. David,

I was shocked to read your answer to the mother whose daughter lied about her age on MySpace. Have you seen that site? There are lots of bad things happening there, and kids are getting into trouble. I think you should reconsider your advice. Sites like this lead our innocent children into trouble. Ever since my daughter has been on MySpace her attitude seems to be changing. She has been more defiant and difficult to handle. It seems like our teenagers are more rebellious and angry than when I was a child. I would appreciate hearing your thoughts about this. ~ Frightened Mother

Dear Frightened,

You were not the only parent to write their concerns with my response. This seems to be another issue where sentiments are ambivalent about the activities of our youth. MySpace, and unmonitored activities, are certainly opportunities for our youth to make poor choices. However, I continue to believe that this doesn’t have to be the case. 

I also received many responses supporting my position that the critical issue is that we develop a strong, positive and open relationship with our children while they are young, helping us maintain a relationship with them during challenging adolescence. If we have demonstrated Christian morality and principals in their life, and “trained them in the way they should go,” while allowing appropriate freedoms during adolescence, consistent with the trust they’ve earned, most often everything works out fine.

Staying the course with our teens means that we must understand their needs. They need to break away from parents, establish their unique identity, build self-esteem and develop social skills, much of which is usually done with their peers. They desperately seek acceptance with friends who share their values. They will find ways to do this—whether it is in the halls at school, on street corners, at the theater, or on the Internet. It’s our job to know what they’re doing, and to make it as easy as possible for them to talk to us about it.