Set boundaries for yourself. Recognize that, in your emotionally wounded state, you’re especially vulnerable to falling into sexual sin yourself. Be sure to set boundaries in your life to help prevent starting an affair with another man who gives you the attention your husband has denied you.
Change your expectations. Grieve the loss of the expectations you had for your marriage before you discovered your husband’s sexual addiction. Then ask God to give you a new set of expectations for the future, and follow God into that future with hope.
Believe your husband’s behaviors, not just his words. Be cautious about responding to what your husband says about his intentions to change. When you hear his promises, look for actual behavior changes to back them up. Trust your husband’s actions (which you can observe) rather than just his words. Ask your husband to make himself accountable to some other men who will help him recover, like a pastor, counselor, and members of a support group. Place appropriate safeguards in place (like financial controls and computer monitoring and filtering) to help your husband avoid future temptation. Whenever you see evidence of new, healthy behavior, let him know how much you appreciate it.
Find people to support you. Look for a Christian counselor with experience dealing with sexual addiction issues, and open up to some other people you trust to help you as you go through the healing process. Seek out people who are nonjudgmental, respectful, objective, humble, will listen to you well, and will point you to Jesus. If you’re not already part of a church, find a healthy one and join. Look for a support group to join, as well.
Replace lies with the truth. Think about what lies you tell yourself regularly about your own value as a person, about your marriage, and about your husband. Write them down. Then, for each one, find a Scripture passage that refutes those lies with biblical truth.
Deal wisely with your anger. Instead of suppressing your anger or expressing it in explosive ways, make time to think through the issue that’s making you angry and turn to God for guidance on how best to respond. Let the Holy Spirit – not your emotions – lead you. Pray for the ability to understand the motive behind your anger and how you should express it in each situation. Don’t delay dealing with your anger; handle it every day to ensure your continued health and spiritual growth.
Give grace to your husband. Ask God to give you His perspective on your husband, so you’ll be able to see how much pain he is in and how much he needs grace. While you need to hold your husband accountable for his actions, you need to do so out of love for him, not pride. Let your gratitude for the grace that God has given you motivate you to extend grace to your husband. Choose to act in loving and patient ways with your husband, whether or not you think he deserves it.
Forgive. Since God has forgiven you, He expects you to forgive others who hurt you – including your husband. Choose to do so, despite your feelings, knowing that you can count on God to help you through the forgiveness process. Pray about all the layers of issues that your husband’s addiction has brought up, relying on God’s power working through you to forgive. Let go of bitterness so it won’t poison your soul, and enjoy the freedom you experience after you forgive.
Remember your value. Your self-worth can take a beating from betrayal. Ask God to help you see yourself from His perspective, so you can understand that you’re incredibly valuable and beautiful in His eyes. List some of your best personal qualities, and thank God for them.
