For the past few weeks whenever I worked out at the gym, it seemed the heartbeat monitor was wrong on every machine I used. I was getting pretty disgusted about that so this past week I tested a whole row of machines, and every one of them showed a heart rate of 150 before my even beginning my workout. Armed with this indisputable knowledge, I sought out the general manager and told him that all of his machines were calibrated wrong. Puzzled, he got on a machine himself and it was something like in the 80s. Then I tried it, and it was 150.
As he stared at me as some sort of a phenomenon, it dawned on me: just the week before, I had been diagnosed with an irregular heartbeat. The machine was picking up a heart flutter which was sort of like a drunken bongo player. Stuttering and stammering in embarrassment, with a developing twitch in my eye, I acknowledged that the 150 was correct and thank you very much for your time, sir.
As he walked away I just know he was making a mental note marking me as one of those loony customers that every manager and clerk tries at all costs to avoid. I expect the next time I come into the gym, he’ll quickly look the other way hoping I won’t recognize him so I won’t come over to him with some other goofy thing.
Like asking him why his abs machine isn’t working properly since I obviously don’t have the same abs that are on the posters in the gym.
(Now that I think of it, maybe just for fun I will seek him out and ask him that.)
At any rate, it is apparent that I discovered the beginning of an irregular heartbeat some weeks ago at the gym without even knowing it, when every machine I worked out on showed a heart rate of 150. I also more recently developed periodic shortness of breath and dizzy spells. Initially I thought it was some sort of cold or flu that had settled in my chest, but when it persisted, I went to my family doctor who diagnosed the irregular heartbeat. He referred me to a cardiologist who prescribed medication to slow the heart rate and thus eliminate the shortness of breath and dizzy spells. The cardiologist also scheduled an echocardiogram to find out if there was any structural problem with my heart.
As an aside, my friend Bill Rogan, who is sports director at our sister station, KNUS, is a rabid Notre Dame fan. I am a Michigan State graduate, and of course therefore have no use for Notre Dame. You probably know that Notre Dame is a Catholic university. Doesn’t make any difference to me – I still have no use for Notre Dame. But upon hearing of my heart-related issues, Bill was very concerned, and reminded me that I could die at any moment. Then his tone became very ominous when he said, “Tom, I think you should give very serious consideration to becoming a Notre Dame fan before it’s too late.”
Notre Dame notwithstanding, the echocardiogram showed that my heart is healthy. The irregular heartbeat, as I understand it, has something to do with the electrical charges that govern the heart rate. In addition to dealing with the difficulty breathing and dizziness, the medication is also designed to deal with the risk of blood clots and strokes. If you have shortness of breath, dizziness, or any kind of chest pain, check it out. Even if you think it is the result of last night’s pizza, if it continues, check it out. Even if you’re a Notre Dame fan, check it out.
So it looks like I’ll live a little longer. My wife, Donna, can put the insurance policies away, take back the new clothes she bought, and set aside plans to contact old boyfriends. Dying of a heart attack, at least for now, is off the table.
Now, if I can just avoid getting hit by a truck.
Oh, one other thing: Beat Notre Dame!
