Forgiveness on the part of the victim is essential for his/ or her own sake. Forgiveness is not letting the perpetrator get away with the offence but, you are simply taking your stranglehold off their neck. In this way, you can start to reconcile. But, as long as you still want revenge you will not go forward. The best advice I've heard on the subject of forgiveness is this: We are taught to forgive yet,forgiving is not enough. We must lead our heart to love again by replacing bitter thoughts with thoughts of compassion. This means acting compassionate toward the offender. Again this may seem like dismissing the problem but, if you have chosen to forgive then this must follow or you will fall into the same cycle of bitterness again and again. Our greates strength is thast we get to choose our reaction (view of the world and our circumstance). That means that our emotions are a result of our attitude not the other way around.

This was a helpful but difficult article to read. After 26 years of marriage I am currently in the middle of dealing with my husband's relationship affair. I am just over 3 months into finding out about it so the feelings are still very raw. Although I bargained and cajoled and pleaded with him for the first couple of weeks he made it clear that his intentions were to leave me and our daughters for this other woman. I then read Dr. Dobson's book 'Love Must Be Tough' and lovingly - but toughly implemented his recommendations. At this point my husband's feelings haven't changed - at least outwardly. I honestly don't see him coming back. I've stopped praying that God reconcile our marriage and instead pray fervently for my husband to reconcile with God. I dread the day when he wakes up and realizes what he has done. The pain he has caused me and our daughters is unbelieveable. It is almost too painful for me to believe there could be reconciliation at this point. Thanks for the article.

God created marriage AND reconcilliation. Listen to Him. Here are a few things that helped save my marriage. We are now stronger and happier than ever and the pain has healed. God is good and God heals!

1) Fast and pray. Dive into the Bible. Seek WISE counsel.
2) Avoid harsh words. You may regret them later.
3) Gently remind him of the love and passion you once shared. (I spread our first comforter across our bed and scattered our love notes everywhere.)
4) Don't withhold love and intimacy. Be "naked and unashamed" with your husband.
5) When appropriate, confess and repent of your own marital sins.
6) Cry privately. When with your husband, make eye contact and smile at him as much as possible. Build him up through words & actions.
7) Reconcilliation and trust-building is a long process. As he is ready, agree upon safeguards to prevent future affairs.
8) Get a prayer partner.
9) Do NOT tolerate abuse. Leave if needed.
10) DivorceCare is a good resource. www.divorcecare.org

This is a wonderful article! My husband and I survived a very long marriage of sex affairs, and then one with a relationship.
It was very difficult, but God brought us to the right people and the right counselling and guided us through the entire healing process.
We DO have a much stronger and much more loving marriage now.
Even though we did not separate, I did things to show myself that I can take care of myself. I went to college and did amazingly well. I got a job and did great. I got some self esteem and let him know that I didn't want him to stay if he didn't love me becuase I deserve better than that. It changed HIM, and turned our marriage around.

Thank you for the great article, I hope couples who are going through this will read it and take your advice.