The beginning of the school year can bring a new set of challenges for parents of kids just entering adolescence - the group of kids that marketers refer to as "tweens." The ages vary, but for the purposes of this article, tweens are 9-12 years old.
Parents may be shocked by school reports that their young tween isn't taking responsibility for completing his homework and may be failing in his classes as a result, especially if the child was previously studious. It can happen at this age because tweens are given more responsibility from their teachers to take the ball and run with it, but some have difficulty getting in the game. Work that was once organized and completed in the classroom is now required to be done solo and at home.
When you learn that your tween's grades are failing, I have some thoughts for you to consider.
Some kids just need to know that their parents are concerned and steps will be taken if they don't get on track. That is often enough to get the tween back on track. But others simply refuse to take on their growing responsibilities, so their parents would be wise to solve the problem now, or it could continue for years to come.
Before you jump into action, however, you need to understand that your life shouldn't revolve around chasing after your tween's mistakes and finding ways to fix them. Fixing their problems for them is just giving them reason to continue being irresponsible.
Until your child feels truly responsible, they'll not stop being irresponsible.
Tweens who are irresponsible -- and happy to be so - often have parents who are just the opposite. What these parents don't realize is that they can be part of the problem, since the more the more they've done historically to solve the child's problems for them, the less likely the tween will feel the need to fix their own. It can become a vicious cycle of the parent rescuing the child and the child repeating irresponsible behavior throughout the tween and teen years and even into adulthood.
Has your tween or teen already figured out that he can ignore things because you will rescue him? Do you spend time trying to figure out how to solve his problems and holding his hand, while he remains oblivious of how his irresponsibility and immaturity is affecting you, himself and others? If so, you've got some rough days ahead if you don't make some changes now.
One mother asked me, "How can my brilliant daughter behave so irresponsibly? School should be easy for her, and yet she just doesn't seem to care!" Unless there is some hidden personal problem, drug use, or unusual emotional turmoil, the answer is simple. A "tween" behaves irresponsibly because children are irresponsible. She hasn't yet made the transition out of childhood and may not like the idea of taking on responsibility - at least not yet.
Kids do not automatically become more responsible due to their age or physical attributes. Those qualities are learned by the example of others and through facing responsibility in their life, like doing chores or working in a part-time job. If they fail to follow through on the most basic responsibilities, like completing their school work, the parent's role is to help them face some consequences for continued immaturity, such as losing some of their privileges and freedoms. Such consequences can help train the tween to be more mature in their decisions and to follow through in the future. The key is to teach responsibility early, even if it doesn't seem like there's a need for the tween to "grow up" quite yet.
For instance, when your son is failing in math because he's not doing his homework, and you know he is fully capable of passing the class, your first reaction needs to be to make it less comfortable for him to continue being irresponsible. Perhaps the time and recognition he would have enjoyed from being on the football team needs to be replaced by spending time after school sitting at a desk with a tutor (not you). Don't rescue him by allowing him to still go to football practice (a privilege he enjoys) while fitting in the tutor at another time. Other consequences could be to take the cell phone or cut off online access until better results are seen on the next school report.
