The Greatest Problem from Divorce
- Wednesday, August 15, 2007
No, the answer for why most subsequent marriages fail is that divorce creates circumstances that cloud our judgment and may lead us to remarry before we are ready, and we may do so for the wrong reasons. We may even choose one of the four "ill–equipped for marriage" types just mentioned as our next spouses. When we are still adrift in blame–shifting, stigma–fighting, and emotion–sorting, we do not make great mates and we are not in a good position to select one. Unfortunately, we forget that having gone through a divorce means we need to take some time to reempower ourselves. And what we do not need to do is plunge forward mindlessly into dating, mating, and another marriage.
Many a divorced person does not have a clue what went wrong the last time he (or she) recited vows, but he doesn't let that keep him from lining up at the matrimonial scrimmage line for another shot at the end–zone. The marriage–challenged have a hard time seeing the truth. They thrive on love, courtship, romance. They want someone to fix their problems. They quickly end up married again. Bottom line, if you go forward with remarrying when you are still just as clueless as you were the last time you chose a mate, you are very likely to make another marriage mistake—the last thing you want to happen.
Not all redivorces involve marrying the wrong person for the wrong reasons. Some remarriages that end in divorce were not due to bad choices. A woman in our divorce recovery workshop said she was happily remarried for more than 30 years, had four beautiful children, but then her husband had a heart attack. This event pushed him over the edge, and he left her to pursue a new life. Clearly this was not a failed remarriage on her part.
If a remarriage ends within three to ten years, this is generally a sign of marrying the wrong person for the wrong reasons. A recent study reveals that among all remarriages, 25 percent end in divorce or separation within the first five years and 40 percent within ten years. There is ample evidence that many remarriages occur because people were not ready to remarry, resulting in finding the wrong person from the start.
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