I'm tired of the church. Although I tried to be involved for years and even held several leadership positions, as I got older, I became more aware of the limited voice single women like me have in the church. In my denomination, we can't teach men or lead worship. And, if unmarried and childless, we're limited within women's ministries as well. Many times, we aren't allowed to use our God–given talents to the fullest.
My love for the church seemed mostly one–sided, or unrequited. However, singles already struggle with feeling unloved and unwanted; they don't need that message from the church as well. I tried to help my last church understand this reality, but my words fell on deaf ears. Church soon became my greatest source of frustration. So I finally decided to walk away from it. Since my last church was large, people there may not even know I'm gone.
Although I'm strong in my faith, I know I need fellowship with other believers. I desire a loving church family with whom I can learn, grow, and worship. But the search for that family has been tiresome and disappointing. I pray for the desire, strength, and guidance to continue searching.
–Shelley
Last week I went to a friend's church and heard the beginning of a series aimed at single people. I'm 38 and never married, and before that morning, I hadn't heard a sermon targeting my demographic! The message wasn't just relatable for 20 year olds, but was practical for any single person.
To me, the church has always seemed aimed at families. I've sometimes had to force myself to continue attending by not thinking of myself as a single person, but as just a person in need of connection with God and community. Sitting in church by myself, or being the only single person at a women's gathering isn't easy. But I continue to do so in hopes of making connections.
I recently moved to Denver and have found a church where I sense true community. The congregation doesn't have many singles, but it has a welcoming attitude. After the service's first song, during five minutes of "social time," people have actually engaged me in conversation! I've been to too many churches where I haven't even felt noticed. I also like that this church's pastor studies books of the Bible, rather than offers theme sermons. So no matter what's discussed, it will apply to me.
I continue to attend church because I know God wants me to. And I continue to hope I'll find real community there.
–Monica
Two years ago, I started attending a church that's profoundly impacted my faith. The church offers a variety of services (traditional, contemporary, next generation) to reach people of various ages in the community. The pastor addresses family issues, but always relates them to singles as well. Faith–strengthening classes and Bible studies meet throughout the week, and some of these groups are specifically for singles' fellowship.
I began leading a Sunday school group this year, and I'm enjoying the opportunity to teach children. I've met many of the kids' parents, too. Instead of a "What can my church do for me?" mentality, I've embraced a "What can I do for my church?" view. God calls us to praise and worship him together, regardless of marital status. Anyone tempted to drift from the church may just need to seek out a new congregation. Denying oneself the fellowship, lessons, and joy offered by a Christ–following congregation is never wise.
–Lisa
I'm a former pastor who, after my divorce, began looking for a church to attend and couldn't believe how they all seemed targeted to married people and families. Instead of feeling uplifted at church, I felt lonely and disconnected. Then I thought back to my ministry days, and the realization I'd been similarly family–focused haunted me.
Because most church staff members are married, they believe marriage to be the norm. They don't think much about single, divorced, or widowed people, and certainly can't identify with them.
Churches identify the needs of children, youth, and other demographics, and believe strongly in figuring out how to reach them. Yet if I suggest to church staff members that single people are also a unique group—distinctly different from married folks—I often receive a blank stare.
Of course, I want the church to strengthen marriage and family. But I want it to recognize and include me in the mix as well.
–Sam
