Are Single Women Today "Too Independent"?
- Wednesday, July 21, 2004
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With the ever-changing landscape of relationship definitions, we all need God in our lives first. It's very easy to say, "I can't get along with her because she's too independent." It's much more difficult to say, "I'm uncomfortable with this woman because she makes me feel unneeded and useless."
Women may ask, how do I create in this otherwise big strong man a feeling of inadequacy? The answer is you don't. Most men use this technique to keep free of responsibility. It's not that they can't accept a woman who's able to take care of herself. Rather, the issue is that they can't accept themselves for who they are. They don't want to admit in this modern world they want a girl who will cling to them and make them feel big and important. That's the only way some guys can feel like a man. This stems from insecurity issues.
Of course, there are also women who have issues of their own and overcompensate for their feelings of inadequacy by being too assertive.
So we all have problems. Find a man who realizes he can do nothing without God in his life, and you'll find a good man, capable of accepting a strong woman.
I disagree that guys use "women are too independent" as a cop-out. While independence may not be the exact word to use, it's definitely a huge problem. It's good that women today have many more options and acquire many more skills than women did 50 years ago. However, I see so many women take this a step further and adopt an attitude that says "since I did all these things by myself and the women of the past didn't, I'm something really special and it should be hard for a guy to catch my interest." Now, I agree women are special and amazing creations of God, but I see this egotistical attitude coming out quite often. Every time one of my male friends or I approach a girl we're interested in, we're quickly turned down, often before we've even had a chance to finish a sentence.
I have no problem with a woman making more money than I do, being better at fixing cars than I am, or having a larger social group than I do. But I do resent being told I'm not worth enough for her to go out with me. That hurts more than you can imagine. I'd like the chance to get to know someone without being made to feel as though I have to climb a mountain before I'm deemed worthy of her time. I'd like to go for coffee with someone who doesn't have to pencil me into her day-timer in between countless other appointments. And I'd never do less for someone who expressed interest in me.
I continually see men who like passive women. Especially in the South, where I live, most men seem to desire a woman who will take care of the home well. I think it's also a byproduct of our conservative evangelical culture, where traditional roles are upheld.
I've always felt a bit out of place in this culture, though, because I like independent, "alpha female" types. Most of my friends—young and old—think I'm a bit crazy, but there's nothing I find more attractive than a woman who can lead and succeed. I personally need that type of woman to keep a strong man like me at bay at times.
Personally, I think it's the men who are saps because they want a passive woman, instead of a
As a never-married single man in my mid-thirties, I can empathize with the plight of single women who need to be somewhat independent just to make it in life. There's certainly nothing wrong with having a job, paying your bills, and maintaining what you own. It just seems for a lot of the single women I know, the desire for independence has subtly choked out the desire for a relationship. I think many single men feel they need (and want) a feminine woman in their life more than many single women seem to "need" a man. The culture says, "Women don't need men." That's fine for those who never want to get married. But men don't want to feel like an "optional accessory" in a busy woman's life. Men need to feel needed, just like women need to feel cherished.
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