Camerin: Here's how it used to be: Boy meets girl. Boy asks girl on a date. Girl says yes, and they date happily ever after.
Here's how it more commonly is now: Girl realizes she isn't getting any younger and that the dating prospects at her church are slim. She's asked by the 212th well-wisher when she'll finally decide to get married. Girl signs up for online dating service. Girl peruses hundreds of personal ads, and emails many men. A year and many techno-dates later, she gives up and wonders if she should try speed dating—or join a convent!
Let's face it—dating has gotten complicated. With the advent of many new technologies, trends, pop-culture influences, and demographic dynamics, the traditional route to the altar has become as outdated as an Atari game system. But nearly all of us singles still want to find love and get married. So how do we get from here to there? Good question!
Before Todd and I take a stab at answers, we want to unpack a few of the dynamics that make up this strange new world. By looking at how we got to "here"—single and in an utter state of confusion—we're hoping we'll be better able to get to "there"—better equipped to navigate this strange new world of dating and to eventually end up happily hitched (if that's in God's plan).
From our experiences and observations, Todd and I have found that confusion stems from six key areas.
Todd: I received a bizarre response from a Christian woman I asked out shortly after I graduated college. She was puzzled by the invitation and replied, "I'm sorry, I don't get asked out. I don't know what that means. I think we could go to a movie or something, but I don't understand what a date means."
Perhaps the key confusion in the Christian dating world is that no one really knows what "dating" is. What's a date? What kind of commitment does dating involve? Should we even be dating? Should we be courting instead? Should we just let our parents prearrange the whole thing and exchange some goats between families?
One reason for this confusion is simply that, like the girl I asked out, the majority of Christian singles just aren't dating much. (We'll explore this further in chapter 2.) If a Christian hasn't been asked out in three years, or is thirty and has never been in a relationship that's lasted longer than three months, there can be a great deal of confusion about dating.
While the Bible is our guidebook to living, it's largely silent about the meeting and getting-to-know-you process of romantic relationships. As Rob Marus, a singles minister who reviewed dating books in Christianity Today magazine, wrote, "If I were relying strictly on Scripture … I would be waiting for God to create a wife for me out of my rib."1 Because of the lack of clear direction about dating in the Bible, we turn to what's being said in our Christian culture. This leads to the biggest contributor of confusion over what dating is: the mixed messages and divergent camps within Christianity.
Most Christians point to author Joshua Harris as the starter of the debate. "Josh Harris hasn't made my life any easier," Marus stated in his book review. "Thanks to him, my future wife … may very well have given up the idea of ever dating."2
In his 1997 book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Harris wrote that dating isn't wrong, but like fast food, it's not the best option. His solution was a form of courtship (though he didn't use the word) he called "smart love." Basically, he defines it as developing a purposeful, accountable, and committed relationship based on sincere, God-focused love. He emphasized being motivated by a concern for others and not selfish desires. A flurry of books followed with ideas on how Christians should (or shouldn't) date.
"Christian singles are completely baffled by dating," wrote Benjamin, a reader of ChristianSinglesToday.com. "Many would agree there are some crazy ideas floating around evangelicalism today about the topic. By the time I graduated high school, the idea of dating had become so intimidating I almost gave up on the idea. There's no manual for dating or relationships, and neither kissing dating good-bye nor sitting at home is an adequate solution."
