Dr. Jackie was insightful. Maybe the "God thing" has gotten in the way.
Ironically, by the time I graduated from college, I had my own back-of-the-mind explanation for unmarried women over thirty. With nuns and wealthy heiresses as possible exceptions, the reasons seemed clear: Those women were either unusually unattractive, had issues with their fathers, or were gay. Where my conclusions came from, I'm not exactly sure. But you can imagine why I felt derailed when, as I neared the end of my twenty-ninth year, that dear woman held my hands and asked me why I wasn't married. What was I really going to say? "I'm not sure, but I guess it must be because I am ugly, have issues with my dad, or am gay."
I don't think any of this back-of-the-mind thinking is atypical. Libby, a single, forty-year-old friend, laughingly recounted a recent conversation with a twenty-one-year-old male friend of hers. (Note: Libby has modeled, is straight, and has normal father issues.) When she was talking with this young college guy about the recent engagement of a mutual twenty-something friend, the guy declared with a smile of knowing authority, "Well, Libby, it was inevitable that Kristen would get engaged; she's so great!" Of course, the message that he didn't even hear himself sending to Libby was clear: If A equals B (great women like Kristen inevitably get engaged), then unfortunately, "Not B" equals "Not A." In other words, unmarried women—such as Libby—must be lacking greatness.
It seems that no matter where you turn—to a third grader, a homeless woman, an esteemed and gifted board member, a college guy, a nurturing mother-type, or perhaps even yourself, the answer to the question "Why aren't you married?" often boils down to the same thing: It's probably your issue. Now occasionally some wise older married man will shake his head, roll his eyes, and offer with an exasperated sigh, "What's wrong with guys today? You are such a catch. They're all idiots." Or as a loving girlfriend once said to Libby, "You know, I have a beef with God about his not bringing you a husband!" In other words, the locus of responsibility does sometimes shift away from the single woman and her perhaps unidentifiable flaw.
As an aside, I've often wondered if straight, attractive, single women with an unfulfilled desire for marriage scare people. I told one friend that a weekend spent as the only unmarried bridesmaid in a wedding felt something akin to being plopped down naked with my upper-leg cellulite and stomach rolls on public display. Sure, everyone has some fat they wish would melt away, but mine was impossible to hide. And the sight seemed to cause a quizzical, slightly disturbed shock among otherwise gracious people. Picture crinkled noses, furrowed brows, and awkward silences. Perhaps straight, attractive, single women with an unfulfilled desire for marriage are an awkward reminder that all is not right with the world. And that's a bit of a conversation killer at a wedding.
Of course, some women do not want to get married. One friend of mine said candidly, "As I grew up, I could never see myself married. I had too many other things I wanted to do and be about." Fair enough. When asked, "Why aren't you married?" her reply is simple: "I've never been that interested in marriage." There are decidedly many meaningful things into which a woman can pour herself besides a husband and children. A woman's freedom to make this decision is one of the great and unprecedented privileges of living in the West today. But it seems like most single women I've known, somewhere between the ages of twenty-eight and thirty-two, if not before, start asking the why question and grope—some more doggedly than others—for answers. So we are brought full circle to the girlfriends' coffee klatch.
At the end of the day, you and your friends might approach the question from a hundred different angles. You can evaluate men and the reasons for their passivity, their seeming crises of personal authority, and their assorted fears. You can analyze the divorce culture and how it has damaged and scared many younger people. You can investigate how the freedom (and sometimes compulsion) for women to have careers has changed how the genders perceive and relate to one another. You can get a therapist and explore your own history, issues, desires, and expectations around men, marriage, sexuality, intimacy, etc. You can stand on a mountaintop and beg with a guttural yell for God's explanation. You can take a long, hard look at your dress size, body language, calendar, and social skills. And if you are not too utterly exhausted after all of this, you can make some changes. Get out more, update your hairstyle, practice being a little more vulnerable, steward your sexual wares more wisely, pray more, and quite possibly, genuinely enjoy the growth and change.
