Contrary to what my father thought, I was never sexually attracted to men.  In fact, I thought I hated all men and anything to do with manhood.  But I loved being around women and dressing as a woman.  Since my earliest memories, my closest friends had been female, and they had always accepted me as one of their own.  There had also been the haunting revelation that having a boy wasn’t my parents’ first choice.

'I wish you were a girl to take over my beauty salon,' my mother would say.  When I dressed up as a girl, my father encouraged me.  'You’re a lot better looking as a girl,' he’d say.  I never felt truly loved or affirmed by him as a boy.

Our relationship further deteriorated when I was a young teen.  One night, he discovered me wearing makeup and a nightgown.  He yanked me out of bed, beat me up and yelled over and over, 'You’re just a d--- homosexual.'

Cross-dressing was my drug of choice, my escape from stress and self-hatred.  Many times, dressed as a woman, I would go for a long walk, a drive, or shopping.  I would feel a rush of excitement when clerks called me 'Ma’am.'  It made me feel accepted.  Eventually, however, the whole experience would end, and I would be forced to resume my hated existence as a man.  Feelings of shame, guilt, frustration and anger would overwhelm me as I made sincere promises never to cross-dress again.  But, a few days later, I’d do it all over yet again.

Finally, in an attempt to resolve my inner turmoil, I began seeing a clinical psychiatrist to obtain female hormones, although I was scared of actually going through with sex-reassignment surgery.  After my third visit, I cried out to God for relief.  As I prayed, a tiny ray of hope took hold in my heart.  Thoughts of suicide subsided as I began to believe that God might provide a way out of my secret agony.

I made an appointment to see a Christian psychologist and while talking to him, I could sense Christ’s love and acceptance.  That visit marked a major turning point in my life.  As I progressed in counseling and group work, I came to see that I had believed many lies.  God had not made a mistake in creating me with a male body.  He had planned every aspect of my being from the beginning.

Psalm 139:15-16 says, 'My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place; when I was woven together…your eyes saw my unformed body.' 

God had planned for me to be a man before I had ever been created!  There was not a woman inside my body, longing to be accepted.  Rather, I had chosen to reject my manhood, one of God’s good gifts to me.  Now I had to learn how to control my thinking, with God’s help.  I also had to take deliberate steps to tear down the lies and replace them with God’s truth.

I began the painful process of exposing my secret to trustworthy leaders of my church, as well as good friends. I fully expected their rejection.  Instead, they reached out to me with overwhelming love, acceptance and compassion.  This simple act of exposing my secrets defused much of the inner anguish and shame.

Discarding my secret identity was one of the most painful things I’ve ever done.  Many times, I didn’t know if I could emotionally survive without cross-dressing.  Eventually, however, I came to realize that casting off that false feminine persona was the best thing for my life.

Today, as I gaze out the window of my office, my reflection in the window pane is different.  It’s no longer a stylishly-dressed woman, waiting for the receptionist’s announcement.  Now I see the man – the healthy man – God created me to be."
      
— Jerry Leach