It's that time of year when business owners use every emotional means possible to separate us from our money. One commercial in particular pulls tears from my eyes every time. A family gathers around a piano and begins to sing, “Oh Holy Night.” Unbeknownst to them, their soldier son is making his way home on Christmas Eve. Snow is falling; the fire crackles in the fireplace. The soldier slips into the home and adds his voice to the climax of the carol, “Fall on your knees…” Even while I'm writing this my eyes are tearing.

Sadly, such warm family scenes remind brokenhearted people of the emptiness and loss in their own lives. How my wife and I wish our son, Mark, was making his way home to surprise us on Christmas Eve. That will never happen on this earth because Mark died in a car accident over twelve years ago.

Those of you who share such sorrow, whether over the death of a child, a family member, friend, a prodigal child, a broken relationship or a broken body - you know how the holidays sharpen grief. Newly grieved people often ask us how to get through the holidays - if only we could skip over to January. In her book, Treasures in Darkness, A Grieving Mother Shares Her Heart, my wife, Sharon, describes how we faced this painful time and asked God to show us that the story of Christmas can actually become a source of comfort.

In the Bleak Midwinter

Holidays sharpen grief. Celebrating such a treasured family holiday was on our minds even on that terrible July night when we lost Mark. On our way home from the hospital, Chuck grabbed my hand and barely whispered, “Christmas, how can we ever celebrate Christmas?” I had no answer.

Christmas had always been my favorite time of year. We didn't buy many toys for our children throughout the year; that was reserved for Christmas. What great fun we always had, planning and preparing, watching for sales, loving the adrenalin of the chase and the victory of finding just the right gift at just the right price. When Mark and Daniel had wanted the most popular toy, we had done everything we could to find it. We had perpetuated our childhood family traditions; family and friends always joined us for a Christmas Eve buffet and then attended the church communion service. I always loved the candlelight service, the music, the family feeling, the preaching, the security of old family traditions. Afterwards, our immediate family had gathered at our home for the kids to exchange gifts and enjoy the euphoria of Christmas. On the night of Mark's death, I concluded I would never experience such joy again.

…..I searched the Scriptures for direction on how to face this first Christmas as an incomplete family. Someone had told us that we should prepare for holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays by changing our traditions. The second half of the book of Isaiah seemed to affirm that suggestion, and I asked God for specific ways to help my family honor Christ's birth in the context of deep grief. In my journal I wrote out passages from Isaiah as God's personal Christmas card to me and to remind me of His instructions:

But now, this is what the Lord says - He who created you, O Jacob, He Who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. (Isaiah 43:1-2)

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. (Isaiah 43:18-19)

Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He Who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you. (Isaiah 46:4)

Then you will know that I am the Lord; those who hope in Me will not be disappointed. (Isaiah 49:23b)

On Christmas Day, I slipped away to spend time alone in our bedroom, reading the Christmas story, meditating especially on Mary and the conflicting emotions she must have experienced from the moment the angel told her about the coming Messiah. I wondered, was she lonely, afraid, confused? What emotions swirled around her soul when she gave birth to Jesus, far from family, disconnected from everything familiar? I felt strangely drawn to her heart and the feelings she may have experienced on that dark, lonely night.

Mary's song, recorded in Luke 1:46-55, acknowledged her own need of a Savior and her absolute trust that God keeps His promises from generation to generation. I wondered if she sang this song as a sacrifice of praise, choosing to believe the promises of God in the context of unbelievable circumstances. I followed the thread of her story to the foot of the cross and wept as I married my longing for Mark to her anguish as she watched the brutalization of her beloved Son. Did she wonder where God was? As if to answer my questions, God drew me back to the Scriptures from Isaiah where He repeatedly promised to never leave me alone, to guide me in the darkness, to never forget me, to always be with me. I remembered that Isaiah prophesied the virgin birth of Jesus and proclaimed that He would be called Immanuel, which means 'God with us.' The gospel of Matthew places this prophecy right in the middle of the Christmas narrative (Matthew 1:23).

And do you know how Matthew ends his gospel? By His resurrection, Jesus has proven Himself a victor over death. He's about to ascend to the right hand of His Father in heaven, and He promises His disciples - and His followers for generations to come - that He is not really leaving them. Jesus' last words: “Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

Jesus, through His Spirit, is here. With us. With you. With me. Even now. Especially now, in the season that celebrates His birth.

Songs in the Night: O Holy Night

At first I didn't want to hear any Christmas carols, but then I began to listen carefully to the words. I grabbed on to the ones that proclaimed the “thrill of hope” that weary souls experienced with the entrance of the baby Jesus into a broken and shattered world. Take a few minutes and review “O Holy Night.” Especially take notice of the second half of the second verse, “The King of kings lay thus in lowly manger, in all our trials born to be our Friend!”

Tell Him your greatest need. Trust Him to keep the promise of His presence, that He will never forsake His children. And trust that His presence is enough.

O holy night, the stars are brightly shining;
It is the night of the dear Savior's birth!
Long lay the world in sin and error pining,
Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope, the weary soul rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees, O hear the angel voices!
O night divine, O night when Christ was born!
O night, O holy night, O night divine!
Led by the light of faith serenely beaming,
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.
So led by light of a star sweetly gleaming,
Here came the wise men from Orient land.
The King of kings lay thus in lowly manger,
In all our trials born to be our Friend!
He knows our need - to our weakness is no stranger.
Behold your King; before Him lowly bend!
Truly He taught us to love one another;
His law is love and His Gospel is peace.
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother
And in His Name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
Let all within us praise His holy Name!
Christ is the Lord! O praise His Name forever!
His pow'r and glory evermore proclaim!
translated by John Sullivan Dwight

> Other Hopeful Ideas

Choosing to celebrate Christmas in the midst of deep grief requires leaning into the pain in order to strengthen broken places. Each family must decide the way that suits it best. I found it helpful to mix old traditions with new ones. Preparing Mark's favorite foods and planning small surprises for my family gave me a sense of joy. We gave ourselves permission to laugh and enjoy memories of Mark. Laughing did not mean we didn't miss Mark. We also gave ourselves permission to cry whenever and wherever we needed to cry.

I tried to take care of myself physically by continuing to walk regularly. For you it may be listening to music, shopping, playing sports, walking on the beach, or eating out with friends. Identify what comforts you and do it.

Friends commented that every time they heard “The Little Drummer Boy” they thought of Mark, our drummer. Collecting Little Drummer Boy memorabilia and drum tree ornaments became a quiet way to acknowledge Mark's continuing place in our family. What holiday memento collection might help you acknowledge your love for your departed family member?

Try to journal through the words of several Christmas carols, especially “O Little Town of Bethlehem.” What “hopes and fears” do you have that can be met only in Christ?

Prayer: Hopes and Fears
Lord, the Christmas story tells us that Your Name is Immanuel, “God with Us.” Remind us that Your Spirit is still with us. We give our hopes and fears to You, through this holiday and every day.

Dr. Chuck Betters is the pastor/teacher of MARK INC Ministries. His messages can be heard on www.oneplace.com. Visit www.markinc.com where you can order the message he preached the first Christmas after his son's death, Christmas Pain, #93-101. You can also order the book, Treasures in Darkness, A Grieving Mother Shares Her Heart, Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing Co., 2005.

Sharon W. Betters, Treasures in Darkness, A Grieving Mother Shares Her Heart (Phillipsburg, N.J.: P & R, 2005) 179-180, 181, 184, 186.
Ibid, 188, 189.
Ibid, 189-190.

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