Today was my 6th anniversary of going to my knees and asking the Lord into my heart. There is no way that I could have written a script that took me from utter despair and desolation to what I experience every day---joy abounding. From a marriage on the edge of divorce, to a career stalled in my own myopic self absorption, the changes have been nothing less than breathtaking.
And, it doesn't stop. There's a word that Christians use a lot called sanctification and I believe it's the process of shedding of my former self---habits, attitudes, actions and alibis---with the eventual outcome of becoming holy. It is only dawning on me that through obedience and surrender I become more like Jesus. Don't get me wrong, I'm really, really far from what He wants me to be, but every day I do think that I get a wee bit closer. My mountaintops and valleys are more even, and I enjoy the in-betweens.
I heard all this stuff before. I sat in church, contemplated the stars, searched for a deeper meaning and even hid for a number of years. But, on April 17th, 2000 at 6:40am in a lonely little apartment in Shorewood---I, in the midst of intense persona anguish (mostly brought on by myself)--finally cried out for relief in the only way it can ever happen---through asking for help from the only one who can bring it. Jesus.
I didn't need a middle man, didn't need a symbol, didn't need a structured prayer muttered in unison for the 10,000th time. All I said was, "God, I can't do this anymore. I need You in my life".
And--BAM--it happened. Like a lightning bolt.
Now, I'm part of an AMAZING church (a middle man/thing I gladly welcome)----one that led me to my outer symbol of adult baptism (yes, I know Pastor Marc---there is nothing to be afraid of in the lake water)----and the prayers I offer are between me and the one who saved me---they're open, honest, a little scattered at times, and they're ALWAYS heard.
And, can you believe it? I'm back in college. Enrolling at Midwest Bible College last fall was a BIG step for me. I bombed out of college in my junior year (telling everyone I was 'turning pro')---and while it never really bothered me, it was one thing that I didn't accomplish that stayed in the back of my mind. MBC has taught me so much and has given me a hunger for more. By June I'll have an associates ---and if I continue next year, I'll have that Bachelor of Biblical Studies.
I have no idea who reads these blogs besides my sister (hello Jan), but if perhaps you are like I was---lost and angry, confused and hurting---then please email me because I'd love to give you a little more of what I went through---and maybe that'll help. Being a born again believer isn't negotiation---we can't bat it back and forth with God until we come to some sort of arrangement with Him that is suitable for both of us. No, it's a total surrender thing. Some people can't take that---I couldn't, but then I did and it freed me farther and better than I could have ever imagined. Stop asking the questions about why bad things happen to good people and give it up. Give it over. Give it today. I did.
