Intimacy expert Dr. Paul Coleman recommends the following gracious but still honest conversation starters:
"I'm angry about something, and I'd like to talk about it"
"I know we've talked about this before, but I need to bring it up again. I'll try to be brief."
"You might not like what I'm about to say, but I need you to listen and see if there is anything that has merit."
"I know that you see things differently than me about this topic, but I’d like to try finding some common ground."
"This isn't easy for me. If I twist my words, please give me a chance to get it right."
When talking with him about important matters, approach him for solutions to the problem instead of as the problem itself. Never, under any circumstance, should you pull out the bazooka of shameful words on him, which create feelings of dishonor, unworthiness, and embarrassment. Such treatment just sends him further into his CNG ice cave.
Talk less but more to the point. Being more talkative isn’t wrong. It’s just less effective when communicating with most guys. And to keep him drawn to you, be mindful of your eyes. Women tend to be more comfortable with prolonged eye contact. Be sensitive to this fact so you don’t mistake his looking away as an automatic sign of evasion.
The number one complaint of married women is that their husband "doesn’t listen." Many men say that they used to listen more. And talk more. But what they said was not treated with consideration. So they have partaken in a time-honored tradition of tuning their wives out. It’s the only way some men know how to handle this situation since going toe to toe with someone who can usually out talk them is not an attractive option.
If you want him to listen, then give him time to think and to speak. And then don’t correct him when he does.
For Mr. CNG
Brother, You’ve Got Soulwork to Do
Overarching fear is a smarmy little liar. It is often False Evidence that Appears Real that suckers you into bad decisions. Consuming fear deceives you into forming a false understanding of who you are (you don’t really matter), who God is (He’s out to get you), others (they are not as critical as you think), and the world at large (it is more receptive to you than you currently realize.) No wonder Jesus said that the devil "is a liar and the father of lies" (John 8:44). This is why your battle for marital harmony is a combination of psychological and spiritual transformation. So commit it today to prayer. Ask God to show you where this fear came from and for the strength to face it. When you face your fear, look for the lie and the deception it fosters that slants your thinking to worst-case scenarios. For some, this may include professional help.
