Until then, we both steer clear of sarcasm, yelling, name-calling, and ugly words. Though we’re both stubborn, we each try to really listen to and put ourselves in the shoes of the other. And we’ve found that God’s Word is so wise when it says, "A soft answer turns away wrath." By resisting the urge to dig in and swing hard, we can shorten our arguments, save us both a lot of stress, and leave more time for making up…and shampoo shopping.

A seasoned perspective…

Deborah Raney

My husband and I are so different when it comes to our fighting styles. I was an award-winning debater in high school so I tend to rather enjoy a brisk argument. I see it as clearing the air, fixing something that’s "broken" and making sure the same thing doesn’t happen again. When I pick a fight, it’s usually with purpose, but sometimes with a little too much passion.

Ken, on the other hand, is more of a peacemaker. He’s willing to let sleeping dogs lie and just hope they won’t wake us up barking and growling later on. When we were first married it frustrated me to the nth degree that Ken’s way of dealing with conflict was to just leave the room or, if it was a really big fight, the house.

How could we make sure we wouldn’t be rehashing the same issues again and again if we never talked things out? Fortunately, as we’ve grown spiritually, we’ve both matured a bit in the fighting department. I’ve learned to not pick a fight at the drop of a hat—or the drop of a pair of muddy shoes on my freshly mopped kitchen floor. Grrr. Ken’s learned to stay put until we reach some sort of resolution.

After an especially brief skirmish a few weeks ago, I hugged my husband and told him, "I really like the way we fight these days. We get in there, get down to business and get out." I credit our "Raney Rules of Engagement" with making our fights productive instead of destructive.

These rules have helped us to "fight right" in our marital arguments and come away from a conflict more in love with each other than we were going into it:

• Never hit below the belt (and learn where your spouse’s "belt" is)

• Pick the right time and place for your arguments

• Learn the fine art of compromise

• Never walk out on an argument, except by mutual agreement

• Kick the word D-I-V-O-R-C-E out of your marriage vocabulary

• End every argument with apologies, prayer, and a hug