- Greet the day. Each morning decide to have a good day, thanking God for His presence and asking for His guidance.
- Build a support network. Family and friends may be sympathetic and understanding - or they may be too submerged in their own grief. Find other people who are also mourning in church or community grief support groups.
- Accept the crying. Tears can be healthy and healing, whether they are shed publicly or with close family and friends.
- Deepen your faith. Use this time to get closer to God, depending on His strength and accepting the hope He offers.
- Start a journal. Write whatever enters your mind. Record any progress you have made, however small.
- Walk each day. Walking improves the body, reduces stress, and restores the soul. It will help with sleepless nights and bouts of depression.
- Appreciate the straight stretches. Treasure the times of laughter and silliness, and days that flow smoothly. Remembering them will help when it gets rough again.
- Postpone some decisions. Sleep on decisions for 24 hours, put others off until you must make them. Get good advice to help you make decisions. Make a master list of what must be accomplished, when, and how. Tackle these jobs when you are in a more up mood.
- Live in the present. To live in memory, however tempting, is not to live at all. Today is the only day you have. Make a list of what needs to be accomplished today, and begin.
- Forgive and make peace. In the wake of a great loss, anger can arise over unresolved issues. You may have to forgive your departed spouse - or yourself - for something that was said, or neglected to be said. Honest forgiveness brings closure and a sense of peace
- Make your home yours. Slowly and carefully, make changes so that your home reflects you. Decide which reminders you want to keep of your loved one, and what you want to remove or change.
- Prepare for celebrations. Holidays will be difficult. You don't have to celebrate them the same way as in the past. Try to have reasonable expectations about what you can handle - physically and emotionally. Get plenty of rest and don't attempt too much.
- Venture out alone. Although you've been accustomed to tables for two, you can still go out to eat, accept social invitations, and go to gatherings alone. It will get easier with time.
- Relive that day. It's OK to review the details of the day your loved one died, then realize that you survived it. You never have to go through that day again, and neither do you have to remain locked in that day. You can go on.
Excerpted from Finding Your Way After Your Spouse Dies by Marta Felber. Copyright (c) 1999 by Ave Maria Press, Inc., P.O. Box 428, Notre Dame, IN 46556. Used by permission. This book is available from the publisher (1-800-282-1865, fax: 1-800-282-5681 or email: avemariapress.1\@nd.edu) or at your local religious bookstore.
Marta Felber, author of Grief Expressed: When a Mate Dies, has more than 40 years of experience in church work, social service, and counseling. She lives in Northwest Ark.
