Domestic violence is the mistreatment of one family member by another. It includes kicking, slapping, punching, choking, the use of weapons, and even murder. It is the pattern of behavior that establishes control and power over another person through fear and intimidation. Studies indicate that battering escalates over a period of time, beginning with behaviors like threats, destroying property, and name-calling, then escalating to life-threatening assaults.

It is estimated that one out of four members of the faith community is a victim/survivor of domestic violence, yet the church still most often fails to assist the victim of abuse - and in many cases, worsens the problem by blaming the victim.

What the church can do:

• Acknowledge the seriousness of her situation and validate her experience.

• Tell her that she does not deserve to be abused and that it is not God's will for her to be abused. Do not make excuses for her abusive partner, or tell her she should submit to her abuser. While men are called to be the head of their home (Eph. 5:21-33), nothing in the text encourages or supports physical violence.

• Do not assume the role of primary counselor - leave that to more experienced counselors. Refer her to your local domestic violence program for support, advocacy, and possible shelter. Have their telephone number available, small enough for her to hide inside her billfold or shoe.

• Assure her that her sharing is confidential and that you will not tell her partner that she sought your help.

• Do not play the rescuer. Avoid saying, I'll take care of everything for you, and do not make all the phone calls for her. Point her in the right direction and make certain she has a safe living place. Do make it clear that you will support her, pray for her, and be there for her no matter what she decides to do.

• Suggest that she have an emergency exit kit prepared to take with her, including: extra cash, bank books, passports, birth certificates, medications, a complete change of clothing for her and the children, toiletries, and familiar toys for the children. She can hide the kit at the church, her work place, the home of a friend, or a secret location in the home.

• Know that you cannot make the violence disappear or change her batterer's abusive behavior patterns. Never attempt to counsel a couple together if there is violence within the relationship, because battering is a control issue and not a communication issue, and counseling poses a major threat to the abuser's control over the relationship. He may take his frustration out on the woman.

• If she has injuries from a recent beating, arrange for her to receive immediate medical attention and call the domestic violence program in your area and ask for help.

• Establish a church emergency fund for victims of domestic violence which could be used to pay rental deposits, emergency shelter, or medical help.

• Take the time to visit your local battered women's shelter and get acquainted with its staff. Invite a few other church members to be part of a back-up team to help victims of abuse.

How to handle the batterer:

• Break the silence. Don't let the topic of domestic violence be off limits in the discussion of the gospel.

• Make it clear that batterers are responsible for their actions.

• Only when it's safe for the victim, let the perpetrator know that others are aware of the "hidden" problem. If the abuser is in a leadership position in the church, ask him to step down.

• Do not believe excuses such as She drove me to it.

• Be direct. Tell him that he needs help and that his violent behavior is wrong. Refer the abuser to a treatment program.

• Make every effort to get him to leave the house. Tell him that you want to help him but that family safety first is the rule that is to be followed.

• Don't wear blinders. Abusive men are in all churches, and many of them are the ones you would least suspect.

From Battered But Not Broken: Help for Abused Wives and Their Church Families by Patricia Riddle Gaddis. Copyright (c) 1996 by Judson Press, Valley Forge, PA 19482, 1-800-458-3766. Used by permission.

Patricia Riddle Gaddis draws on six years of experience as shelter director for a domestic violence program. She is certified in crisis-intervention techniques for victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. Patricia facilitates support groups for victims of domestic violence and is a group trainer for those wishing to assist victims of crime.