Overcoming Five Underlying Reasons for Divorce

Mike and Jean have been married five years. They come from good families, belong to a good church, and their friends say they are compatible. What their friends don’t know is that Mike and Jean, like so many others, are getting a divorce.

This couple is not unique. Millions of marriages in America now end in divorce, and many divorcing couples are Christians. I believe divorce is the enemy’s plan to thwart God’s blueprint for happy homes: homes in which beautiful marriages produce strong children and thus strengthen both their churches and their communities.


Satan whispers excuses into the ears of men and women—even Christians—to persuade them to divorce their spouses. His rationalizations sound convincing to people who are going through difficulties in their life together. Nevertheless, most divorces need never happen.

To protect your own marriage, I encourage you to learn how to identify and overcome five typical underlying reasons for divorce.

1. Unreasonable expectations. Ironically, while marriages are failing today in historically unprecedented proportions, our expectations for marriage have never been higher. Couples expect completely unrealistic things from marriage. In a word, they want total fulfillment. They expect marriage to meet all their sexual, emotional, and personal needs and desires. Of course, such expectations eventually lead to disaster.

A woman phoned me during a live call-in television counseling program. She’d been married and divorced and had lived together with quite a few men but she had never found the rather idealized fulfillment and satisfaction she was looking for. Finally she realized that many of her so-called lovers had simply used her and discarded her. She told me: “I can’t even look at men any more, I’ve been hurt by so many.” She was only twenty-nine years old. Her problem: expecting some man to come along and completely fulfill her.

In reality, no spouse can totally fulfill our every need, let alone our desires and fantasies and dreams. No husband can give his wife everything she wants, and no wife can do that for her husband. In marriage we help, encourage and complement one another, but we can’t fulfill each other. Sometimes the key to improving our marriages is bringing our expectations down to earth.

2. Ungodly focus. As one song says, “Only Jesus can satisfy the soul.” If our relationship with Him isn’t right, it’s no wonder that we feel unfulfilled and discontent. We may blame our marriages, when in reality our spiritual poverty is the problem.

A marriage is in danger whenever the partners maintain a wrong center of focus. Some focus on their spouses, others devote themselves to their children, and many simply concentrate on themselves. The only truly satisfying focus, however, is Jesus Christ.

Diana left her husband and their three children—then ages six, five, and one—and moved to another city. Her reason is typical: “If I had stayed I would have ended up embittered, telling them all their lives that I stayed just for them. Leaving nearly broke my heart, but in the end I had to put my own needs first.”

Such selfishness comes when we fail to acknowledge Jesus as Lord in our lives. He has the power to restore relationships, to heal wounds, to give “a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair” (Isaiah 61:3), if we turn to Him and obey Him. We must realign our focus, or attention, and our allegiance toward Him. Only then can we have strong family relationships.

3. Uncontrolled passions. As much as we in the Western world pride ourselves on our technological and scientific advances, we are incredibly impulsive. One of our most uncontrolled passions is spending. We have bought into the materialistic philosophy that says, “Get more out of life.” So we spend our lives trying to accumulate things, often to the neglect of our marriages.

Another uncontrolled passion is sensualism. We are made callous by the immorality we see in print, on television, and in movies. A little girl sent me a simple letter written in pencil: “Dear Luis Palau: Please will you pray for my daddy because he left me and my mommy. Please ask God to help Daddy realize what he has done wrong leaving me alone.” Her dad, believing Satan’s lie about sensuality, left his family for a young woman who pleased him more than his wife did. Now this seven-year-old must suffer for his irresponsibility.

God says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23). Husbands and fathers, evaluate the material you allow to come before your eyes, and get a grip on your impulsive spending. For your family’s sake, guard your heart from uncontrolled passions.

4. Unforgiving attitudes. We’re all weak. We all fail. Our marriages stand or fall depending on how we respond to our spouses’ shortcomings.

Maybe your spouse has hurt you deeply by unreasonable expectations or an ungodly focus. Or maybe your spouse is unforgiving toward you. No matter. Decide in your heart today to “forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13). How has His forgiven us? First, sacrificially—by dying for us on the cross. Second, completely—by washing away all our sins. Third, eternally—by remembering our iniquities no more (Hebrews 10:17).

After more than 30 years of marriage, my wife Pat and I still find that practicing forgiveness is a vital key to our relationship. We’ve had to forgive each other a lot. That doesn’t mean we go around all day long saying, “Forgive me, forgive me.” For us, at least, forgiveness is more an attitude. When I lose my temper, for instance, Pat often tells me by the way she looks and acts that she has forgiven me. Sometimes, of course, I need to actually say: “I realize I’ve hurt you—will you forgive me?”

5. Unbiblical presuppositions. Scripture, interestingly enough, connects marriage and sexual intimacy with the most sacred relationship of all—our spiritual unity with Jesus Christ. Marriage is an incredible metaphor of what it means to be right with God. No wonder Scripture places such a high premium on faithfulness and lifelong commitment within marriage.

Speaking of a married couple, the Bible says, “What God has joined together, let man not separate” (Mark 10:9). One psychologist commented, “In certain circumstances I recommend that couples get divorced because God never put them together in the first place.” This is playing games with the Word of God. In God’s eyes, when a man and woman join their lives together, they are married until death separates them. The Bible warns, “I hate divorce, says the Lord” (Malachi 2:6).

Why does God hate divorce? One reason: because of the incredible hurt it causes the spouse, children, family and friends. Another reason: because if the family suffers, the church and the nation are endangered. Third: because marriage is a divine metaphor of the relationship between Christ and the church. God’s plan is for us to enjoy beautiful marriages and happy homes, and thus show forth His glory in a fallen world. But we must follow His blueprint, as revealed in the Bible, or else we may eventually shipwreck our marriages as so many others have done.

I encourage you: whatever state your marriage is in today, commit your life anew to God. Tell Him, “I want to acknowledge you as Lord of my life. I want to follow your blueprint for marriage. I want to be a truly Christian husband or wife. Lord, I want you to be the center of my life.”

God wants to revolutionize your marriage. I challenge you to let Him.

Copyright © 2001 Luis Palau – All Rights Reserved.

Receive spiritual encouragement from Luis Palau every week when you join his Healthy Habits e-zine at www.lpea.org/habits . To learn more about Luis Palau’s evangelistic ministry, visit his Web site at www.lpea.org .

This article first appeared in Husbands and Wives (Victor Books, P.O. Box 1825, Wheaton, Illinois 60189). Copyright (c) 1988 by Youth for Christ/USA. Used by permission.