It is 10:30 Saturday evening when Susan's phone rings. Tired and wanting to ignore it, she lets it continue to the fourth ring, then out of guilt picks it up. "Hi, how are you? This is Pat," a woman's voice announces. Before Susan can respond, Pat continues, "Hon, I know this is asking a lot, but could you pick me up at the bus station and drive me home? I've just gotten back from San Diego."
"Do you have the money to take a taxi?" Susan asks. "If I have to," Pat responds. "But you know, Christmas is only a month away, and I really need to conserve . . ."
Susan, already worn out, still has work to do on her junior-high lesson for Sunday morning. The bus station is twenty minutes away and Pat's home is on the other side of town. By the time she'd get back she'd have no energy left for her Sunday-school preparation. Besides, Pat has taken advantage of her more times than Susan can remember.
Susan would like to tell Pat that she has neither the time nor the energy to come for her. And, when she can collect herself, she would like to speak honestly with Pat about her presumptuousness. Yet Susan remembers Jesus' admonition to go the second mile. "Isn't this a clear situation where I need to bend for someone else?" she wonders. "And wouldn't confronting Pat be a violation of Jesus' command to turn the other cheek? Doesn't God require me to deny myself for the sake of Pat's needs?"
The Ongoing Question
To assert yourself or not to do so? To stand up for yourself, or to go along with someone else's wishes or designs for you? We struggle with this issue often as Christians. For Susan, the question is whether to cave in to a friend's unreasonable expectations. Like her, we each face situations where people try to take advantage of us, including times when friends expect too much of us and intimidating instances when someone in business tries to exploit us. For the sensitive Christian the question arises, "Should I stand up for my rights -- or is it better to give in?"
Of course, in some situations the concern is not with standing up for our rights but simply with whether to express ourselves straightforwardly. Should I speak up and say what I'm thinking in this class? Should I tell her how much I care for her? Should I share my faith with him? Should I be overt in stating my qualifications in this job interview?
And in a broader sense we always face the assertiveness question in considering major steps of faith: Should I take initiative to find a better job or simply wait for the Lord to provide it? Should I take determined initiative to find someone to marry or merely stay passive in the matter?
Healthy Assertiveness
Many of us are uncomfortable asserting ourselves in some situations, and some of us are uneasy doing so in any setting. One problem may be that we are shy or feel awkward with people. We may fear we won't be successful in our attempts to be assertive and will experience unbearable embarrassment in the process. Learning how to confront and manage our fears is a major step in becoming more assertive. In general, too, we need a more optimistic outlook about our possibilities for success.
Yet often we are hindered by misconceptions about biblical teaching on assertiveness. We are uneasy with the concept of assertiveness as Christians, for we fear it implies behavior that is patently un-Christian. Being assertive, we assume, means always demanding our rights, trampling over the needs of others and feeling the freedom to blow our lid whenever we feel like it.
Most writers and teachers who promote assertiveness have two general goals in mind. One is to help individuals "own" their own lives -- to break free of the control of others' expectations and be in control of their emotions when they speak. If I ventilate anger at others, for instance, it suggests not that I am being freely assertive but that I am letting their expectations control me, for I've allowed them to upset me. Owning my own life will more likely be reflected in my responding calmly, even politely to them. Thus the feisty Manuel J. Smith, author of a best-selling book on assertiveness, When I Say No I Feel Guilty, devotes a surprising portion of his book to helping readers learn to accept criticism graciously and nondefensively.
The other aim of assertiveness training is to encourage individuals to take the initiative (1) to carry out what they feel is best to do with their lives, and (2) to express their convictions and concerns clearly and honestly to others. This self-expression is not to be done at the wholesale expense of others' feelings; indeed, assertiveness is most effective when exercised with empathy and compassion. Still, expressing yourself is important. It contributes not only to your own well-being and fruitfulness but to the quality of your friendships and relationships as well.
When defined in this way, the idea of being assertive is not incompatible with Paul's instruction in Ephesians 4:15 that we are to speak the truth in love to each other. Indeed, that verse gives a clear admonition to Christians to be assertive, at least within certain boundaries. Still, we may be more inclined to think of the boundaries than of the freedom or mandate implied in any biblical notion of assertiveness. And the idea that we should own our own life seems to fly in the face of what we have long been taught--that we must sacrifice our interests for others' needs and lay down our lives for their sake. Can such unselfishness possibly reconcile with owning our lives?
Owning Your Own Life
In fact it can, and the two concepts go hand in hand in Scripture. In the biblical understanding, I am called to give myself to another's needs not because I cannot do otherwise, but because I decide to do so as a free choice. It's this aspect of my decision to help another that makes it a true response of Christian compassion. Yet I can only give myself freely to another if I own my life in the first place. It is in this spirit that Paul declares, "Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible" (1 Cor 9:19 NIV). Here and elsewhere Paul seems to give about equal emphasis to the cherished freedom he experiences as a child of Christ and the free choice he makes to invest his life for the sake of others. Because he was free to begin with, he was able to make this choice in a genuinely compassionate and healthy fashion.
When we look for it, in fact, we find this assumption implicit whenever the Scriptures urge us to give ourselves to the needs of others; we must first own our own life. It is there, for instance, in various descriptions of Jesus himself. He was able to wash his disciples' feet because of the strong sense of identity he had in the first place (John 13:4-5).
It is there, too, in the place where we would least expect to find it--Jesus' teaching in the Sermon on the Mount on turning the other cheek. In Matthew 5:38-42 Jesus cautions against a retributive spirit and outlines three situations where one should give double compliance to an aggressor:
"You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you." (NIV)
At first it might seem that Jesus is exhorting us to be a doormat for the aggression and abuse of others, and many Christians have taken his teaching in exactly that way. I believe this is the last thing Jesus meant to imply. Rather, by urging double compliance he was telling us to take control of an unjust situation.
By choosing to walk a second mile with someone instead of the single mile he insists upon, I demonstrate that I am deciding for myself what my response to his demand will be. From this angle going the second mile or turning the other cheek is a profoundly assertive act. In addition, this double compliance aims at having a redemptive effect on the other person, in at least two ways: it shows him I will not let him manipulate me and perhaps removes his desire to do so; it also shames him for his decision to take advantage of me.
Considering the Outcome
This understanding is truly liberating, for it suggests that if turning the other cheek will not affect another person redemptively, or if it would result in harm to someone else, I am not expected to respond in this way. The Mennonite men who, because they believed passivity was required by Christ's admonition to turn the other cheek, stood by and let soldiers rape their wives during the Russian revolution, seriously misunderstood Jesus' intent.
There are also numerous situations of personal injustice where I am not helping anyone by complying with the injury or by rolling over and playing dead. A woman married to an abusive husband isn't helping him or herself by allowing him to malign or beat her.
In the same way, I am usually kidding myself if I think there is any positive Christian witness involved in allowing someone in a modern business situation to take advantage of me financially. There is an impersonal climate in most business transactions in which turning the other cheek is not effective.
If a car dealership performs shoddy repairs on my car, for instance, individuals there will not be the least bit helped in their spiritual journey if I decide not to complain. They will not likely have any inkling of my spiritual convictions or connect my action with turning the other cheek. The proper Christian action in this case will be to point out the problem to them and calmly but persistently insist that the proper repair be made, for by doing so I will be denting their conviction that they can take advantage of their customers.
Does the Shoe Fit?
I also doubt that Jesus meant to lay the requirement of turning the other cheek upon all believers at all stages in their spiritual development. The instruction was given to his "disciples" (Matthew 5:1), perhaps indicating those who were at a stage of growth where they were ready to handle this level of response to people.
Of particular interest is that among the multitude of instances in the Gospels where Jesus healed someone who was physically or emotionally ill, there is not one case where he preached self-denial or the need for noble sacrifice to that person. Instead, and without exception, he healed the one who was sick and did not immediately lay the burden of moving mountains upon him or her. It was those who were well, and those who had a healthy sense of self-identity, that Jesus urged to self-denial. They were able to give themselves to others for his sake because they had a self to give.
There is, in short, a developmental process in becoming assertive which is fully in accord with biblical teaching. Turning the other cheek is an ideal to strive for, but we must be honest with ourselves as to whether we are at a point where we can do it in a way that is mature, honest and healthy. If you are shy, you have probably found it difficult to stand up for yourself, to express yourself freely with others and to make choices for your life that are free from the tyranny of others' expectations. Allow yourself a period to grow and to come more fully into the experience of owning your own life. Then, when you can truly do it as a free choice, be open to those special situations where Christ may call you to turn the other cheek. First focus upon learning to be more assertive and realize that by doing so you are taking responsible stewardship for your life as a Christian.
There is one other point to keep in mind in turning-the-other-cheek situations. As my friend Dr. Omar Omland points out in his inspiring book The Third Mile, while Jesus spoke of double compliance in certain situations, he did not speak of triple compliance. While he encouraged the second mile, in other words, he did not necessarily recommend a third mile. Even in those situations where it may be redemptive to go the second mile, there is a limit to how fully we may be expected to comply. In all cases, the critical need is that our responses to the needs of others are free responses. We are called first to own our own lives and then to respond to others' needs in light of the energy God gives us and the particular priorities he lays upon us.
This article is excerpted from chapter 13 of Blaine’s Overcoming Shyness (InterVarsity Press, 1993).
Copyright 2001 M. Blaine Smith
 | Blaine Smith is the director of Nehemiah Ministries and author of Knowing God's Will, which is available through CBD. (click on the book) |
