Thank goodness for the televisions in my gym, otherwise I'd never know what was going on in this world.  After all, it wasn't until mid-week that the Today Show -- my regular purveyor of news (hey, I'm a work-from-home mama with a deployed husband), started broadcasting breaking updates about the pending wedding of Tom Cruise and his baby-momma Katie Holmes.

Journalists, however, have been camped out in front of a castle in Bracciano, Italy, a half-hour north of Rome, for a full five days.  Tough gig.  You can bet that the pre-wedding coverage has put that little town on the map, too.  Cash cows for the region will, no doubt, henceforth include everything from the bed where "TomKat" slept to the bidet they reportedly used.  I'm sure Bracciano Mayor Patrizia Riccioni is wetting her pants with joy.

Don't get me wrong.  They're a beautful couple -- and I certainly wish them well.  I'm particularly glad that Cruise has finally agreed to impart some legitimacy to little Suri and his girlfriend , even if it is a full seven months after their daughter was born.  One can only hope that unlike most couples, Mr. and Mrs. Mapother will somehow beat the overwhelming odds fighting against this, his third, marriage.

Not that Cruise has been a hound dog, as we say in the South.  Far from it.  He was married to actress Mimi Rogers for 33 months then Nicole Kidman for 11 years, followed by two years with girlfriend Penelope Cruz.  In Hollywood terms, that's serious commitment.  And he's marrying Holmes just a little more than a year after the two were first spotted together in Rome.

Of course, he also has a tendency to trade these gals in for younger and younger models, every few years.  But, like they say about Elizabeth Taylor -- at least the guy believes in marriage.

With so much attention focused on Holme's dress (reportedly a cream Armani); the many celebrities in attendance (everybody and their dog -- but not Oprah) and the ancient castle where the wedding is supposed to take place tomorrow, one certainly has to wonder, whether anyone has spent any time on the relationship rather than the wedding.

If they're like most newlyweds, no one has.  Elaborate, extravagant weddings have become the norm in this country.  But for some reason, we still can't seem to stay married.

In 2000, the U.S. Census Bureau ceased to ask about marriage and divorce for more than 80 percent of all households, which makes divorce data incredibly hard to collect these days.  (I guess nobody likes bad news.)  Prior statistics, however, reveal that first marriages have approximately a 45 chance of survival.  That number plummets to just 28 percent for second marriages.  And third marriages?  According to statistics, only 15 percent will survive.  And that's without the pressures of Hollywood, where the two short years that Britney Spears and K-Fed remained married (or the three that Nick and Jessica did) can seem like a lifetime.

Think I'm exagerrating? 

• Tori Spelling and Charlie Shanian: 15 months
• Chad Michael Murray and Sophia Bush: 5 months
• Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney: 4 months

These are just the first few that come to mind.  Clearly, serial polygamy is alive and well in Hollywood.

But if you throw in the whole Scientology element, things gets weirder by the minute.  The many oddball practices associated with that religion, combined with the control that Cruise reportedly exerts on Holmes, has caused deep divisions between Holmes and her devout Roman Catholic parents.  The media is quick to trumpet how similar Scientology ceremonies are to Christian (or "traditional," as they say) ones.  Thank you, Cruise Publicity Machine (which needs to be sent in for some maintenance, if you ask me).

According to a book called "The Background Ministry, Ceremonies & Sermons of the Scientology Religion," however, the questions that the celebrant asks of devout Scientologists during a wedding -- and Cruise is extremely dedicated to his religion -- sound something like this:

To the Bride:

"And do you take his fortune at its prime and ebb and seek with him best fortune for us all?  Do you?

(From the bride: "Yeah, Tom, I take your fortune any day!)

Then to the groom:
"Now, (groom’s name), girls need clothes and food and tender happiness and frills, a pan, a comb, perhaps a cat. All caprice if you will. But still they need them. Do you then provide? Do you?"

(From the groom: "And do you take it on a mat? Or with a hat? How about a bat?" -- wait, that's Dr. Seuss...)

Good grief. For all their modern contrivances -- which, according to one television report, now includes a diamond-studded thong for Holmes' wedding night (ouch) -- it sure seems rather antiquated that Cruise gets to be called by his proper name, while Holmes, his beloved bride, is referred to only as a "girl." 

Not that I have anything against tradition.  Mark and I chose to "pledge thee our troth" from a 1662 ceremony straight out of the Common Book of Prayer.  However, the last time I checked, the Anglicans who penned our vows weren't snorting cocaine, as Scientology founder and failed Sci-fi writer L. Ron Hubbard allegedly enjoyed doing.

Boy, I tell ya.  No matter how many people accuse Christians of being backwards, it always amazes me that even Christian practices from the 17th century treat women as equals, whereas so many other religions -- including a cult founded just 50+ years ago -- sits on a firm bedrock of misogyny.

All I can say is, thank goodness nobody made me give birth in silence.

So, I wish this couple a life of marriage and happiness, and I really pray that they will make it.  However, I can't help but worry just a little about that sweet-faced Katie Holmes. May the Lord be with you, honey.

With Southern love,

Annabelle

www.AnnabelleRobertson.com