5 Reasons Pastors Should Say "I'm Sorry"
Daniel DarlingDaniel Darling is the Vice President for Communications for the Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission of the Southern Baptist Convention (ERLC). For five years, Dan served as Senior Pastor of Gages Lake Bible Church in the northwest suburbs of Chicago and is the author of several books, including Teen People of the Bible, Crash Course, iFaith, Real, and his latest, Activist Faith. He is a weekly contributor to Out of Ur, the blog of Leadership Journal. His work has been featured in evangelical publications such as Relevant Magazine, Homelife, Focus on the Family, Marriage Partnership, In Touch with Dr. Charles Stanley. He has guest-posted on leading blogs such as Michael Hyatt, The Gospel Coalition, OnFaith (Washington Post), and others. He is a contributing writer for many publications including Stand Firm, Enrichment Journal and others. Dan’s op-eds have appeared in Washington Posts’ On Faith, CNN.com's Belief Blog, and other newspapers and opinion sites. He is a featured blogger for Crosswalk.com, Churchleaders.com and Believe.com, Covenant Eyes, G92, and others. Publisher's Weekly called his writing style "substantive and punchy." Dan is a sought-after speaker and has been interviewed on TV and radio outlets across the country, including CNN, 100 Huntley Street, Moody Broadcasting Network, Harvest Television, The Sandy Rios Show, American Family Radio, the Salem Radio Network, and a host of other local and national Christian media. He holds a bachelor’s degree in pastoral ministry from Dayspring Bible College and is pursuing a Masters of Divinity degree from Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. He and his wife Angela have four children and reside in the Nashville area. Daniel is represented by Tamela Hancock Murray of The Steve Laube Literary Agency
- 2012 Jun 13
For some reason, the hardest two words for a leader to say are often "I'm sorry." This is especially difficult for young leaders. Especially young pastors. But here's the thing, an apology may be your best leadership tool. This I know, because as a young, green, inexperienced pastor, I've had to do my share of apologizing.
So here are five reasons why pastors should have a quick trigger with their "I'm sorry."
1) It builds respect
A young pastor often thinks he has to assert his authority, to let everyone know at this church that he's the boss and it's "his way or the highway." This, he thinks, gives him more respect and authority. Aside from being unbiblical (Matthew 20:25-26) (Titus 3:2; 1 Timothy 3:3), what a young pastor doesn't realize is that admitting when he is wrong or hasn't fully weighed a matter actually builds respect. People begin to think, "Okay, he's young, but he's mature about this." On the flipside, there is no bigger sign of leadership immaturity than a leader who insists he's right all the time.
2) It' s humanizing. Pastors are put on a pedestal, whether we want to be there or not. We're tasked by God to deliver His Word. We're the spiritual leaders. Some can be intimidated by this. When we have the courage to say, "I messed this up. I could have done this a different way. I should have listened to your concerns more," we invite our people into our own struggle and spiritual growth process. They realize, Hey this pastor is just a human. He's growing. He's learning. I can do this.
3) We model biblical relationship. No relationship can thrive without the wash cycle of repentance and forgiveness. It's essential for us, as sinners, to constantly forgive and ask forgiveness. By apologizing to people we may have wronged, we model true, biblical community. We're showing the wife how to apologize to her husband. We're showing the dad how to say sorry to his daughter. We're showing the employer how to seek forgiveness from his employee. If the pastors is big enough to admit when he is wrong, then it empowers others to live with similar authenticity.
4) We disarm potential adversaries. It is true that often a pastor has to firmly stand against someone else in his church. Indeed, there are troublemakers in every church. However, I wonder how many church conflicts and splits could be avoided if somebody in leadership simply demonstrated biblical maturity and admitted their mistakes. Or simply listened to genuine concerns. When a pastor says something like, "I'm so sorry. I didn't know you felt this way. I should have considered what you were saying," it has a powerful way of diffusing a conflict and paving the way for peace. Romans 12:18 says, "As much as lies in you, live at peace with all men." Sometimes there isn't a way to find peace. Sometimes there are issues that can't be resolved. Sometimes there are nasty people who can't be assuaged and whose presence hurts the church. More often than not, however, it's simply a matter of spiritual maturity. Pastors should lead the way in this.
5) Sometimes you're just flat wrong. Simply because you hold the office of pastor doesn't mean that you are always right. Sometimes you're wrong. And an insecure pastor hides behind his biblical authority with all kinds of defensiveness. But a godly, mature pastor has the humility to admit when he is wrong. I'm grateful for men on my board and for a wife willing to challenge me. Why? Because the worst thing for an organization is a leader with total, unchecked power. Men, especially young men, we must admit when we are wrong. We must not be defensive. We must not be brawlers. When we do this, we divide Christ's body, we model worldly leadership, and we harm the very sheep we're called to serve.
Please note: This is not a prescription for doormat leadership. Pastors at times need to be tough and thick-skinned and make hard choices. But there is a third way between a brawling, unapologetic tyrant and the wimpy pastor from Seventh Heaven. It's called servant leadership and possesses has the courage to say "I'm sorry."