[Update: This blog post was promoted to the homepage of WordPress.com. Yayeth.]
As a child I learned from a traveling one-armed gypsy how to read the minds of others. At first I thought listening to other people's thoughts was fun. Then it was disturbing. Then it was boring, and finally I gave it up. (Freud was right: all anybody does think about is sex and food. Unless they're Christian. Then all they think about is pleasing God and walking with Jesus. And I'm not just saying that so my Christian readers won't take offense.)
People's thoughts still sometimes pop into my mind, though. I can't help it. For some reason it especially happens when I'm speaking before a group of people. This past Saturday, for instance, I taught a class about blogging at the San Diego Christian Writers Guild called "Surviving the Blog Clog." Here---in the order in which I received them----are some of the thoughts that came at me from inside the heads of some of the people attending my class:
Wow! He's even more handsome than his brochure picture!
Oh, wonderful! He looks like George Clooney!
He looks like Tom Selleck!
This guys looks like Jay Leno.
Great. It's Gomer Pyle.
It's Archie's pal, Jughead.
I should have eaten more at lunch. I'm still hungry.
That lunch was good. Yum.
I should have had another chocolate-chip cookie.
I shouldn't have had that extra chocolate-chip cookie.
I should have had a cup of coffee with my chocolate-chip cookie.
I've gotta do something about that barking dog next door.
Wow this guy talks fast.
Is this guy on drugs? Who talks that fast?
Maybe I'll just shoot the dog.
This guy sure does think he's funny.
Was that a joke?
Is he trying to be funny right now?
Great. He think he is Jay Leno.
What'd he just say? What's a "blog roll"?
I probably should have read this guy's blog before taking this class. Who knows if he's any good?
This isn't a dance class. I thought this was a class on clogging. Are these people Christians? Where am I?
Blogrolling a way to show respect and appreciation. Got it.
Keep blog length above the fold. Makes sense.
This guy is intense about blogging.
Yikes, this guy is intense.
These are Christians!
So is blogging this guy's life?
This guy's so edgy.
Okay, buddy, it's a blog, not a mission from God.
No shortcut to traffic. Must build relationships. Got it.
I can't shoot the dog. It's not his fault his owners are criminally stupid.
I love John's Hawaiian shirt. It's art, really.
If they smell I'm not a Christian they'll try to convert me. They always do. I hate that.
Forget writing to/for search engines. Work naturally. Got it.
My lunch salad was good. I want more.
This guy is pretty funny.
Blogging only hope for platform publishers want. Got it.
I wish this was a class on clogging. I've gotta quit wandering into classes I haven't paid for.
Comment on other blogs. Be succinct, funny, helpful. Earn respect. Got it.
I should shoot the dog's owners.
I've gotta get bigger taps. My clog shoes aren't loud enough.
This guy needs to cut back on his caffeine. Or his amphetamines.
I want some more food.
I wonder if there are any non-Christians hanging around this conference?
How long does this class last again?
Rule number one: Never bore your blog readers. Got it.
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