(The astonishing number of pretty darn hostile comments it has inspired people to leave me here compels me to say that this piece is meant as humor, as [I daresay] anyone who actually reads the thing is bound to see. Please rest assured that, as slow as I am, I am not so slow as to have ever actually confused Santa Claus with Satan. I love Santa Claus. I'm entirely pro-Santa Claus. I have Santa Clausi all over my house. I understand that the reason Santa wears his cap is not to hide his little red horns.)
As Christians, don't we hate the commercialization of Christmas? Doesn't it drive us crazy that while we're trying to have Christ be the focus of Christmas, everyone else wants the key personality of the Christmas season to be Santa Claus?
So isn't it true that at this time every year it's pretty purely Christ vs. Santa?
And doesn't that make Santa the anti-Christ?
Ho, ho, ho, indeed. The gall of that monster pretending to be jolly.
And Santa being Satan certainly explains a lot. For one, it explains the red suit. It also explains the flying reindeer. Remember how scary the flying monkeys were in The Wizard of Oz? Clearly, making mammals fly is an earmark of the malevolent. And seriously, what would you rather have flying over you: a 50-pound monkey, or a 500-pound reindeer? That wide-brimmed hat the Wicked Witch of the West wears might protect her from monkey droppings, but is it really going to help against a team of reindeer flying overhead?
And elves. Please. An elf is just a gnome with better P.R. And everyone knows gnomes live to create havoc. I used to live in a house in the woods that got a gnome infestation. Believe me, that is not something you want to live through. And if it ever does happen to a place you're living, do not use Gnome Hotel. That product is useless. Those little creeps built on to the Gnome Hotel we left out for them. They put in a little jacuzzi, and a deck. The workmanship was awful. And it led to all these little booze bottles being scattered all around the place.
Terrible. We finally had to call in a pack of rottweilers. Boy. Talk about getting the job done.
Anyway, the point is that Santa is Satan. Look how close their names are! And Santa/Satan isn't the only diabolic anagram going on with Mr. Red Nose's name, either. Rearrange the letters spelling "Saint Nick," and what do you get? That's right: sick taint. And Kris Kringle? Try Sir Grinlekk -- which totally sounds like it could be the name of one of Harry Potter's wicked wizards, doesn't it? So I think that settles it.
Santa Claus. Satan's cause. Satan's claws. It's not even subtle.
Plus, everyone knows that the Devil's whole thing is to make people believe the opposite of the truth. And, as we all know, Hades is about as far south as south gets. So where does "Santa" live? But of course: as far north as north gets.
Pffhhht. Any child is trickier.
Speaking of children, do I even need to mention how wrong it is to teach our children to associate getting great things for free with breaking and entering? How long is it before any kid with any initiative at all thinks, "Hmm. Santa. Down chimney while people sleep. December 25. Me. Through window while people are on vacation. Now."
The Christmas season is upon us. Let us become ever more vigilant against the evil that tries to distract us from its true meaning. Christmas is about celebrating the incarnation of God -- period. And that is why I, for one, will be prepared throughout this entire Christmas season to at any given moment stand straight, point accusingly, and cry at the top of my lungs, "Get thee behind me, Santa!"
I'll let you know how that goes.
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