1. Ignore other blogs. Conventional wisdom has it that reading, commenting on, and linking to other people's blogs will bring traffic to yours. But since when do people at conventions have good advice? Why would seeing you dining at someone else's restaurant make anyone think your restaurant must be great? Act like the only party worth being at is yours, and people are sure to show up to it eventually.

2. Use massive images. Everyone knows that anything worth having is worth waiting for. A blog that takes a long time to load says Quality. Plus, it keeps a person on your site. How can that be bad? Think large; grow large.

3. Constantly change your blog's appearance. Do you go out of your house every day wearing the same outfit? No. Do people get bored easily? Yes. Do people like surprise parties? Yes. So there you go.

4. Don't try to be interesting. First off: You keep a blog, okay? Seconal, no one likes a person who pretends to be more interesting than they really are. It comes across as needy. You're better than that. You're duller than that. Why fight your strength? Leave being "interesting" to the kinds of people who spell posers "poseurs." They'll fade away. Because, in the end, what people really want to know is which way you prefer the toilet paper roll to hang down, and why. And whether you've always been like that, or it's a new thing, or what.

5. Be topical. People care about what's happening in the news. But there's a shortage of people commenting on the news. Fill that gap!

6. Use spell check. No one respects a blogger who doesn't even care enough about his own work to run a simple spell chack.

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