See this meal? This is the New Year's Eve meal my wife Cat and I made for our dinner last night. Looks nice, right? Got the champagne, the caviar, the asparagus. It's all so lovely.

Except one of the foods on this table tried to kill me.

At midnight, sitting right here at our table, Cat and I toasted to what for us was an extraordinary year, and then moved into the main room and slow-danced to James Taylor's seriously touching rendition of Auld Lang Syne. Then we went to bed.

Don't judge. We're old.

Five hours later I was in our downstairs bathroom, on my knees, hugging the bowl and making noises that would make Freddy Krueger close his eyes, jam his fingers in his ears, and sing, "La, la, la, la, la, la." I was the kind of sick that makes you go, "Oh God oh God oh God oh God" while you wait for the next violent bout to begin. I threw up, hard, three times in an hour.

So. Something we ate last night tried to kill me. (Oh, and see the towel that's wrapped around the neck of the champagne bottle? Yeah, at one point during our meal the candle near it caught it on fire. Perhaps we should just let God know we got the message, and kill ourselves now.)

Here are the food suspects, along with their suspicious key characteristics:

1. Caviar. It's salmon caviar from Vital Choice. When I was a kid, this was called fishing bait; we used to buy it for $1.99 a jar in the sports department at K-Mart. Now it's caviar---but whatever. But it's orange fish eggs. I'm surprised I didn't start vomiting the minute I saw the box of it on my doorstep.

2. Asparagus. Is there any vegetable that clearly has more of a problem with humans than asparagus? Asparagus has an attitude problem, and we all know it. Total suspect.

3. Prawns. Again, from Vital Choice. (They're in the little cup next to the champagne bucket.) They're called "prawns"---and that's if they're not being called "shrimp." How could they not be angry about that? Plus, we had to tear off their tails and legs and everything. So it's not like we score a lot of points with the Prawn Gods. I'm surprised Willie the Whale didn't come smashing through our front door and squash us.

4. Creme fraiche. It's some kind soured cream you eat with caviar. It contains bacterial culture. I don't like bacteria; I don't like culture. This is probably the culprit.

5. Champagne. It's Veuve Clicquot Ponsardin. Champagne annoys me. Is it booze? Soda? Wine having a nervous breakdown? I don't like it. And it seems it may not like me.

6. French bread. Probably not guilty of making me sick. But it is French. So ... you know.

7. Lemons. They're very sour. Enough said.

8. Potatoes. Potatoes are like dogs: they live only to please. Not guilty.

So there you have the primary suspects. Which of these foods do you think tried to kill me? And why didn't that same food try to kill Cat? We both ate whatever it was. Yet somehow she escaped.

Hmmmm. It's almost as if she ....

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Vote for you think tried to kill me last night here.

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