Atheists: I hereby declare that you are right. I give up trying to pretend otherwise. You win. You've got my number. Despite everything I've been saying and writing for years, you know the truth, and your laser-like focus upon it that truth finally burned through my facade of deception.

So here, finally, is the truth I've been too long denying: All Christians are, in fact, ignorant, narrow-minded, self-righteous, intolerant, intrusive, hypocritical, fear-driven, gay-hating misogynists. And you're right about all Christians thinking and believing exactly alike. We do. We've all been thoroughly indoctrinated into the machine of  Organized Religion, and are at least once a week brainwashed by our craven, egomaniacal Pastor Overlords into directly correlating our self-worth with how much money and allegiance we pledge to The Church. We're like helpless children desperately eager to hand over responsibility for our lives to Our Leaders, in whom we unquestionably believe. We're absolutely incapable of independent or rational thought. That's why the mere sight of a chart of elements or a microscope makes us react like chimps being poked at with lit torches. The simple fact is that science terrifies us.

We fear knowledge.

There. I said it. And I feel so much better!

I suppose by now it's obvious, atheists, that the sole reason I ever pretended to care or be interested in anything you said is because I was trying to lure you into becoming part of the Christian Borg. How else could I tolerate your soulless prattle? Besides relinquishing our money and time to The Church, we Christians are programmed for one thing, and one thing only: the recruitment of fresh blood into our ranks. Each Sunday every pastor tells every Christian in his congregation how many people they're responsible for recruiting that week. If by the following Sunday a Christian has failed to meet that week's conversion quota, he or she must do penance by washing and detailing the pastor's car right after the service. That's why pastors' cars always look so great. It's amazing what a little Turtle Wax and guilt can do.

I want to thank you, atheists, for finally breaking down my barriers, and allowing me to admit that you've been right all along. None of we Christians are intellectually curious, genuinely compassionate, congenitally independent, or more interested in truth than doctrine. You were right to insist that all Christians are exactly alike, despite all the fake evidence that we take pains to everywhere provide you to the contrary. Some people say that bigotry and blindly stereotyping people is shamefully stupid. But I think it's safe to say that, time and time again, you atheists have proven that theory to be as wrong as wrong gets.

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