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Years ago, a family therapist was asked, "What are the top three causes of divorce?" to which he replied, "Selfishness, selfishness, selfishness!" Of course this is an oversimplification of the varied and many contributing factors to divorce but there is an element of truth in this statement that permeates each.
At the core of all that ails the human race is selfishness: this innate love of self—self-worship—or pride. We alienate ourselves from one another when we elevate our desires, our opinions, and our feelings above others. We cheat and steal because we want, we lie and deceive because we give priority to our self-interests, we murder—in actuality or with words—because our puny sense of supremacy is threatened. This is the very sin that separates us from God: our love of self over and against the Father. In short, we are deplorably selfish beings consumed with satisfying our own appetites and desires, often without regard for anyone else.
This is the dreadful state in which the Lord finds us—and despite our active resistance to his rightful rule in our hearts, our thoughts, and actions, he lovingly subdues our rebellious pride with his grace and mercy. He saves us from eternal alienation that our stubborn resistance brings! The old man, so infatuated with himself, is crucified and buried with Christ; we are raised to a new life in Christ (see Romans 6:4). However, this new life doesn't just happen. Our will, which was once in bondage to sin, has been freed to pursue godliness in obedience to Christ through faith. Paul, writing to the church at Ephesus, tells us that we are to be taught to cast away our "old self" and "to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness" (Ephesians 4:22-24, NIV). C. S. Lewis summed it up in saying, "To become new men means losing what we now call ourselves" (Mere Christianity).
The clearest clue to what this new self looks like is given in Paul's letter to the Philippians when he writes, "Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness" (Philippians 2:5-7, NIV). This is a radical departure from our selfish nature into one that denies self even in the face of offense. This same nature is, of course, the foundation for marriage—but also all relationships.
In Ephesians, Paul lays out the foundation of marriage as being rooted in a mutual love and submission, "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord" and "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:22, 25, NIV). Notice also that Paul begins this chapter with the charge to "Be imitators of God," another reference to the disposition described in Philippians chapter two. Later in his letter to the Ephesians, Paul compares this joining of two people into "one flesh" to that of Christ and his bride, the church (see Ephesians 5:32). Thus marriage—this "profound mystery," according to Paul—transcends anything resembling a mere contractual obligation. Nor is marriage simply a self-serving means to personal happiness; Christian couples should strive for and display this self-denying disposition.
Another aspect that should govern Christian marriage is the doctrine of God's sovereignty.
Do we believe that when we suffer, we suffer outside the will of God, or do we believe that God allows suffering to enter our lives for his good purpose? Isn't there the expectation that we, too, will share in the sufferings of Christ, that "we must through many tribulations enter the kingdom of God" (Acts 14:22, NKJV)? While we do not eagerly seek to suffer, don't we believe that suffering bears sweet fruit nourished by bitter tears and that such fruit is nothing less than holy character (see Romans 5:2-4)? If we believe that God in his providence causes everything to "work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose"(Romans 8:28, NLT), then wouldn't it be reasonable to conclude that such suffering may also come in the form of a troubled marriage?
That being the case, wouldn't we be expected to persevere rather than seek escape, trusting God for both endurance and the outcome? It is here—in the domain of our so-called domestic happiness—that we may be tempted to draw a boundary, saying, in essence, "Lord, you may come this far but no farther." It is often in this context that the old self returns in an effort to assert his rights: "I need, I want, I deserve!" However, the Christian is compelled to lay down these rights and instead trust in God, believing that his grace is indeed sufficient in all things including an oppressive and loveless marriage. It is here that the Christian patiently endures, trusting the Lord for the grace to do so, and hopes for a future where God may be pleased to set things right.
Please do not think I am suggesting that the person suffering physical abuse remain in a situation whereby he or she is subjected to physical harm. I am not! However, that is a topic for another time, as I am presently addressing divorce for no other reason than the failure to achieve personal "happiness." This is where we Christians either begin to differ from the world or remain worldly. The Christian life does not culminate in a quest to be happy but to be holy!
If our attitude is to be the same as that of Christ Jesus, then consider how Jesus responds to his frequently unfaithful bride, the church. Every one of us has, at some point, been unfaithful to Christ; we have wantonly rebelled against him, we have been indifferent, even abusive in our disregard toward him. We have all failed to love him at times and we constantly put our needs ahead of his. And yet Jesus never says to us, "That's it, I've had it! I will not take this abuse anymore; you are selfish and uncaring; you don't love me or make me feel special, so I am out of here!" Can you imagine these words coming out of the Savior's mouth? Never!
So it is to be with us. For those poor souls who walk in darkness, there is no chance of assuming the self-denying character of Christ; but for those whom Christ has made alive, there is the all-sufficient well of grace. It is to Christ that the Christ-follower must go with his "irreconcilable differences," not to the courts. It is only Christ who reconciles the unrighteous with the righteous and it is Christ that can reconcile husband and wife.
The question for the church is this: Will we truly trust him in all things, including while we suffer marital maelstroms? Will we follow Christ when it is most difficult? If we won't, then not only will we fail in our witness, we will never know the freedom of living by faith.
© 2009 by S. Michael Craven
Respond to this article here
Subscribe to Michael's weekly commentary here
Subscribe to Michael's podcast here
S. Michael Craven is the President of the Center for Christ & Culture and the author of Uncompromised Faith: Overcoming Our Culturalized Christianity (Navpress, 2009). Michael's ministry is dedicated to equipping the church to engage the culture with the redemptive mission of Christ. For more information on the Center for Christ & Culture, the teaching ministry of S. Michael Craven, visit: www.battlefortruth.org
At the core of all that ails the human race is selfishness: this innate love of self—self-worship—or pride. We alienate ourselves from one another when we elevate our desires, our opinions, and our feelings above others. We cheat and steal because we want, we lie and deceive because we give priority to our self-interests, we murder—in actuality or with words—because our puny sense of supremacy is threatened. This is the very sin that separates us from God: our love of self over and against the Father. In short, we are deplorably selfish beings consumed with satisfying our own appetites and desires, often without regard for anyone else.
This is the dreadful state in which the Lord finds us—and despite our active resistance to his rightful rule in our hearts, our thoughts, and actions, he lovingly subdues our rebellious pride with his grace and mercy. He saves us from eternal alienation that our stubborn resistance brings! The old man, so infatuated with himself, is crucified and buried with Christ; we are raised to a new life in Christ (see Romans 6:4). However, this new life doesn't just happen. Our will, which was once in bondage to sin, has been freed to pursue godliness in obedience to Christ through faith. Paul, writing to the church at Ephesus, tells us that we are to be taught to cast away our "old self" and "to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness" (Ephesians 4:22-24, NIV). C. S. Lewis summed it up in saying, "To become new men means losing what we now call ourselves" (Mere Christianity).
The clearest clue to what this new self looks like is given in Paul's letter to the Philippians when he writes, "Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness" (Philippians 2:5-7, NIV). This is a radical departure from our selfish nature into one that denies self even in the face of offense. This same nature is, of course, the foundation for marriage—but also all relationships.
In Ephesians, Paul lays out the foundation of marriage as being rooted in a mutual love and submission, "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord" and "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:22, 25, NIV). Notice also that Paul begins this chapter with the charge to "Be imitators of God," another reference to the disposition described in Philippians chapter two. Later in his letter to the Ephesians, Paul compares this joining of two people into "one flesh" to that of Christ and his bride, the church (see Ephesians 5:32). Thus marriage—this "profound mystery," according to Paul—transcends anything resembling a mere contractual obligation. Nor is marriage simply a self-serving means to personal happiness; Christian couples should strive for and display this self-denying disposition.
Another aspect that should govern Christian marriage is the doctrine of God's sovereignty.
Do we believe that when we suffer, we suffer outside the will of God, or do we believe that God allows suffering to enter our lives for his good purpose? Isn't there the expectation that we, too, will share in the sufferings of Christ, that "we must through many tribulations enter the kingdom of God" (Acts 14:22, NKJV)? While we do not eagerly seek to suffer, don't we believe that suffering bears sweet fruit nourished by bitter tears and that such fruit is nothing less than holy character (see Romans 5:2-4)? If we believe that God in his providence causes everything to "work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose"(Romans 8:28, NLT), then wouldn't it be reasonable to conclude that such suffering may also come in the form of a troubled marriage?
That being the case, wouldn't we be expected to persevere rather than seek escape, trusting God for both endurance and the outcome? It is here—in the domain of our so-called domestic happiness—that we may be tempted to draw a boundary, saying, in essence, "Lord, you may come this far but no farther." It is often in this context that the old self returns in an effort to assert his rights: "I need, I want, I deserve!" However, the Christian is compelled to lay down these rights and instead trust in God, believing that his grace is indeed sufficient in all things including an oppressive and loveless marriage. It is here that the Christian patiently endures, trusting the Lord for the grace to do so, and hopes for a future where God may be pleased to set things right.
Please do not think I am suggesting that the person suffering physical abuse remain in a situation whereby he or she is subjected to physical harm. I am not! However, that is a topic for another time, as I am presently addressing divorce for no other reason than the failure to achieve personal "happiness." This is where we Christians either begin to differ from the world or remain worldly. The Christian life does not culminate in a quest to be happy but to be holy!
If our attitude is to be the same as that of Christ Jesus, then consider how Jesus responds to his frequently unfaithful bride, the church. Every one of us has, at some point, been unfaithful to Christ; we have wantonly rebelled against him, we have been indifferent, even abusive in our disregard toward him. We have all failed to love him at times and we constantly put our needs ahead of his. And yet Jesus never says to us, "That's it, I've had it! I will not take this abuse anymore; you are selfish and uncaring; you don't love me or make me feel special, so I am out of here!" Can you imagine these words coming out of the Savior's mouth? Never!
So it is to be with us. For those poor souls who walk in darkness, there is no chance of assuming the self-denying character of Christ; but for those whom Christ has made alive, there is the all-sufficient well of grace. It is to Christ that the Christ-follower must go with his "irreconcilable differences," not to the courts. It is only Christ who reconciles the unrighteous with the righteous and it is Christ that can reconcile husband and wife.
The question for the church is this: Will we truly trust him in all things, including while we suffer marital maelstroms? Will we follow Christ when it is most difficult? If we won't, then not only will we fail in our witness, we will never know the freedom of living by faith.
© 2009 by S. Michael Craven
Respond to this article here
Subscribe to Michael's weekly commentary here
Subscribe to Michael's podcast here
S. Michael Craven is the President of the Center for Christ & Culture and the author of Uncompromised Faith: Overcoming Our Culturalized Christianity (Navpress, 2009). Michael's ministry is dedicated to equipping the church to engage the culture with the redemptive mission of Christ. For more information on the Center for Christ & Culture, the teaching ministry of S. Michael Craven, visit: www.battlefortruth.org
Most Recent User Comments
MilWife05
11/2/2009 2:22 PM
I am having a very hard time determining what is right and wrong at this point. I have been a military wife for almost 5yrs now and we have sacrificed so much because of his job alone. With time it has taken a toll on us both but it seems as if my Husband feels as though regardless of his location I should cater solely to him, and if i'm not available then i'm questioned(we have 2 kids by the way). I take care of the money because he is never here to do it and well, somebody has to! It has become somewhat mentally abusive dealing with him. He is going to extreme measures to control even little things. He hasn't been faithful to our Marriage and with his behaviors now(during our 4th deployment) I feel as if he is hiding something again. He argues over everything with me. He creates stress, has admitted to me that he feels better knowing i'm as miserable as he is. He sais this after he has just broke me into nothing with words. How can someone love, respect and WANT to live this way?
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MBombardier
10/7/2009 12:45 AM
I am almost at a loss for words. All I really can say is that many years into a difficult marriage, I know that God's grace is sufficient. Through His grace I CAN love my enemy, I CAN bless him who curses me, I CAN do good to him who hates me (or at least makes me think he does), and I CAN pray fervently, whole-heartedly, and lovingly for him who spitefully uses me and persecutes me.
I CAN have a quiet and gentle spirit, and I CAN respect him, even when the rage is storming around me and he's at his least respectable. My biblical respect does not hinge on his respectability.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. And in turn, Christ gives me more and more of Himself. I am so in love with Him, as the suffering burns out my selfishness. I'm not perfect, but I can look back and see how far He's brought me. The responses to this article are heart-breaking. I so crave that others would be so blessed. Count it ALL joy when you fall into various trials.
I CAN have a quiet and gentle spirit, and I CAN respect him, even when the rage is storming around me and he's at his least respectable. My biblical respect does not hinge on his respectability.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. And in turn, Christ gives me more and more of Himself. I am so in love with Him, as the suffering burns out my selfishness. I'm not perfect, but I can look back and see how far He's brought me. The responses to this article are heart-breaking. I so crave that others would be so blessed. Count it ALL joy when you fall into various trials.
Simbathekat
10/5/2009 11:26 AM
Brattyx2,
Your husband sounds EXACTLY like my ex. Does he drink too? If not, then at least you have that going for you. Listen, I think we all know who we're dealing with before we cross the line of marriage. And we know when our mates are jerks, we just hope we can finesse them a little and they'll turn for the better. Not so! Make sure that you stay close to the Lord and beware of Satan's tricks - he will use anger. Set boundaries. For instance, my ex wanted to spend a lot of time with me and towards the end of our relationship, I was committed to God, my health and finances. I told him if I had to do everything, then I had to go to bed early so I could get up in the morning to pray and workout. Suddenly, he was cooking in the evenings, tending to our daughter, and making phone calls to agencies to make sure our business was taken care of, etc. Unfortunately, I allowed myself to get rageful after an incident and our relationship ended explosively.
Your husband sounds EXACTLY like my ex. Does he drink too? If not, then at least you have that going for you. Listen, I think we all know who we're dealing with before we cross the line of marriage. And we know when our mates are jerks, we just hope we can finesse them a little and they'll turn for the better. Not so! Make sure that you stay close to the Lord and beware of Satan's tricks - he will use anger. Set boundaries. For instance, my ex wanted to spend a lot of time with me and towards the end of our relationship, I was committed to God, my health and finances. I told him if I had to do everything, then I had to go to bed early so I could get up in the morning to pray and workout. Suddenly, he was cooking in the evenings, tending to our daughter, and making phone calls to agencies to make sure our business was taken care of, etc. Unfortunately, I allowed myself to get rageful after an incident and our relationship ended explosively.
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