Happy Heretic Hunting!

Crosswalk contributor Lucy Neeley Adams forwarded me this humorous-but-too-accurate take on how so many of us spend our days. The times are indeed dark, but surely we can contribute light rather than more Spanish Inquisition or Salem witch hunt darkness.

by Jim Rogers (Jim is a minister who writes weekly messages called "R-Tickles" for the Herald Citizen in Cookeville, Tn.)

What a happy day this is for me! I just got my hunting license.

Oh, I don’t hunt wild critters. I don’t own a rifle. My weapons are a sharp tongue, a dull intellect and a hyper-critical mind-set. I'm a heretic hunter.

2 Peter 2:1 says, "But false prophets also arose among the people, just as there will also be false teachers among you, who will secretly introduce destructive heresies..."

Heretics have been in the church since day one and there is a bumper crop of them this year. I aim to line them up and mow them down.

In the early days the church faced such unorthodox doctrines as Gnosticism, Montanism, Monarchianism, Arianism and others. It is evidently good that the church confronted those errors because, hey! How long has it been since you ran across anyone preaching those doctrines?

In the Lilliputian Empire, there was a law which required all persons to break their eggs on the smaller end, under severe penalties. In opposition to this grew up the heresy of the Big-Endians, which made it a matter of duty and conscience to break their eggs at the large end. You can see that we are talking about serious infractions of tradition here.

I know; you’re waiting for me to define heresy. Here it is. Mark it well. Take it to the bank. Heresy is any belief contrary to mine. Now, while that may seem simple, to me it is profound.

As a heretic hunter, my favorite Scripture is Jude 1:3, "Contend earnestly for the faith which was once for all handed down to the saints."

I’m living proof that it is not necessary to understand things in order to argue about them. In fact, experience has shown me that understanding can get in the way of a good argument.

Surely you want to be part of our disfellowship. We meet at 666 Schism Trail. We have found a very practical alternative to faith. Hysteria. Fellow Epicureans are always welcome to the party. We strictly follow Dilbert's Rules of Order: "When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried." If your expectations are low enough you will not be disappointed.

It has been said, "Where there is light, there will be bugs." We offer a bug-free environment.

As much as I’ve enjoyed clowning, I’ll repent and close with a relative Scripture. Proverbs 6:16-18 says, "There are six things which the LORD hates, yes, seven which are an abomination to Him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that run rapidly to evil, a false witness who utters lies, and one who spreads strife among brothers."

I pray you will have a blessed week-end with Jesus.

Thanks, Jim, for letting me re-run that here, since it resonated with me and reminded me of a couple other pieces we've had on Crosswalk lately: "Shall We Purge the Church Membership" by Joe McKeever, and "I'm Sure I Read that Somewhere" by my absolute favorite author.

(And yes, I am aware of the irony that since Jim and Joe agree with me, they are clearly not heretics. Although by association with me in this blog it might just make them hypocrites. Sorry guys.)... ;-P