Once a kid enjoys the entrancing feeling of being a “real person,” you can see how scary it would be to think of losing that feeling.

“I should be able to make my own decisions.”
Kids who begin to feel they don’t need a physical middleman anymore (a.k.a. Mom or Dad) quickly begin to resist and resent being controlled by that middleman as well.  Look at the telling way one teen describes this frustration:

It makes me mad when my parents try to control who I talk to at night on the cell phone.  I mean, if I’m keeping my grades up, why should they care if I stay up late talking and lose a little sleep?  I have to keep up with my friends, or I go nuts.  The decision should be up to me.

The Five Facts of Freedom

When we see our teens pushing the independence envelope, taking foolish risks, evading straight answers, or breaking rules, we often chalk it up to peer pressure, media influence, and even rebellion—and we come down hard.  Sometimes, obviously, there is a rebellious heart that needs to be dealt with, and lowering the boom may be necessary.  But if we can spot the much more common signs of a spirit that is simply straining for a healthy freedom (albeit imperfectly), we can guide our child’s quest in ways that are healthy instead of counterproductive—helping them learn responsibility instead of triggering their sense of desperation.

We found five often-overlooked truths about this freedom-seeking aspect of a child’s inner life.

Fact #1:  Freedom wields a greater influence than parents or peers. 
Over the years, many studies (and parents!) have asked whether parents or peers exert a bigger influence on kids’ behavior.  Our research convinced us that this question misses the main point.  When freedom is added to the mix, it seems to far outstrip the influence of any person.  Look at the astounding survey results.

When you do something that your parents would disapprove of, what is the best description for the reason that you do it?  Choose one answer.

6%      I’m just doing what my friends want me to do.
89%   I’m just pursuing my freedom and my ability to do what I want to do.
4%    I’m just being rebellious against my parents.

*Note:  Because of rounding, numbers don’t quite total 100%.

Nine out of ten kids said that when they do something questionable, it’s not primarily because of peer pressure or because they are rebelling against parents; it’s because they are pursuing their freedom and their ability to do what they want to do.  And although parents with strong faith beliefs might wish otherwise, this dynamic wasn’t markedly different among kids who described themselves as Christians attending church every week.