All of a sudden, I was faced with an undeniable truth: I was the one who had wronged Mary. I had wanted to feel needed and to appear strong. I had fostered a classic codependent relationship, and she had finally come to the point where she couldn’t stand it anymore. Maybe her actions weren’t perfect, but I was hardly innocent. In fact, much of the hurt surrounding our relationship suddenly presented itself to me as lies I had told myself.

So I did something I could never have imagined doing before. Instead of waiting for the apology from Mary that had never come, I wrote a letter to her. I tried to keep it simple and about me. I apologized for times I had encouraged her dependence on me. I confessed disloyalty and dishonesty. I didn’t go into great detail, but I did tell her that after all this time, I now realized how much I was responsible for the breakdown of our friendship. I asked for her forgiveness for the things I had done. I told her that I didn’t need to hear from her, but if she felt she could forgive me, that would be great.

It would be wonderful if I could tell you that Mary called me and we were reconciled. We weren’t. She sent me a brief note thanking me for my letter. Months before, I would have seen the note as one more indication that Mary was being insensitive to me. But I was not hurt by her response. I had done my part to right the situation, and it was as if what was once a festering wound had been cleaned out and was now able to heal. I was now able to move on.

When Mary’s name comes up occasionally, it causes me no pain. I can think of her without a sense of open-endedness. I have now learned from the pain, and I hope I have learned to be a better friend in the future. God used thatold, open wound to show me some powerful truths about myself. And above all, he showed me that I cannot always be trusted to see myself clearly. 

A New View of Pain

What I learned as I dug out the wound of my old hurt over my friendship with Mary began to take me on a journey that has truly transformed the way I view pain, hurt, and frustration. As I go through the day, I try to stay aware of times when I am bothered by anything that raises what I would call “emotional heat.” For me, that means when my stomach tightens in frustration or when I find myself growing critical or reactive to someone. Often I can’t understand all the implications at the time, but I try to take that moment and set it aside to pray about. Sometimes I note it in my journal.

One day, I wrote, “Joe really irritated me when he called today and demanded that I get a board report ready by next week.”

A few days later, someone commented about Joe, and I found myself thinking negative thoughts about him. There was definitely something about Joe that was bugging me. So I did as I had learned to do: I began to pray about Joe. “Lord, show me why I am having problems with Joe. Show me what he is feeling and thinking so I can understand why he acts the way he does.”