{i have questions.}

an inspirational entry from someone with questionable faith

Have you ever questioned what faith really is?

I have.

A few years ago I was on my way home from church. Something the preacher said left me feeling unsettled, anxious and questionable as to what I really believed. I tried to think things out but the more I thought, the more I realized how under developed my faith was. What did I believe?

I pulled into my driveway to discover a group of people standing at my door, smiles and Bibles in tow.

We began our conversation about faith, oddly enough. The way they talked about faith sounded pretty - like you could tie a little bow across it and hand it to someone in a perfect package. It was hot and my high heels were killing my feet, so I tried to end the conversation as quickly as I could.

Truth be told, my high heels weren't the only reason I wanted to end the conversation on my porch. I was at a point in my life where I wasn't so convinced I wanted anything to do with anyone's faith. Faith seemed too judgmental, and if I heard one more preacher scream at me about the fire in hell, my eyes might have rolled out of my head. To make matters worse, some of the deepest wounds I had ever experienced came from within the walls of the church. So I thought maybe faith isn't for me.

For the next few months I began to seek faith with a very questionable spirit. I made appointments with ministers, read books, and talked to anyone who would listen to me about the questions I had. One night in particular, I found myself in a spiritual pit, trying to figure out who God was.

Do you want to know what my problem really was?

I didn't know God.

I knew the church, I knew what books said and I knew opinions of others but I really didn't know God.

I began digging in the Word for answers to my questions. Over time, I began to see an incredible picture of who God really is: loving, kind, good and filled with so much grace I almost couldn't stand it. Slowly my perception of God began to change. It was no longer this skewed image of a man sitting on a giant throne casting down judgment through strikes of lighting with his scepter.

Today I am at the point where God's given me a sense of belonging even when I'm rejected by the entire world. He's given me a purpose and an understanding that life is so much more than just about today.

I have come to accept that the questions I have may never get answered in this lifetime. But what I know is that God is good {Psalms 116:5}, He is on my side {Romans 8:31}, and He is who He says He is {Exodus 3:14}. And those promises are more than enough reason for this girl who has at times had...questionable faith.

Resources...

Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

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Nicki is a simple girl with eclectic taste. She loves friends who make her laugh, a movie that will make her cry and people who challenge her to live outside of the box. She blogs about figuring out faith at:www.nickikoziarz.com

© 2010 by Nicki Koziarz. All rights reserved.

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