February 9, 2007
Help! I Think I’ve Misplaced My Sexual Desire
By Lysa TerKeurst
1 Corinthians 7:4-5, “The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (NIV)
SEX. Bring up this topic among women and you’ll get giggles, rolling eyes, smiles and, yes, some frowns. At a recent women’s conference, I led a session titled, “The Eight Things Every Wife Should Know.” Number three on the list was Enjoy Your Husband Sexually. I asked the women to notice that I didn’t say to endure him sexually but I intentionally used the word “enjoy.”
Had I been sitting in that audience just a few years ago, I would have rolled my eyes at the speaker and quietly picked at a thread on my jeans while discounting everything she said. The reality was, enjoying sex and truly desiring my husband was a problem in my life.
I had bought into the notion that sex was a chore and something else that I had to do for my husband. It was in no way a priority to me, and my husband knew it. It became a huge source of conflict in our marriage. The very thing God designed to bring us close together was tearing us apart. I felt frustrated and misunderstood. Art felt neglected and rejected. Satan, whose very name means “one who causes a separation between two” was having a field day.
I finally got so broken over it that I cried out to God. “Can I talk to you about sex, God?” I whispered the word “sex,” as if my years of trouble with this topic were some big secret to Him. As I prayed, my words went from embarrassed whispers to loud cries for help.
God gave me a word picture to help me better understand my husband’s point of view. Imagine if my husband was my only source for physical food, which my body not only wanted but needed. However, every time I went to him for food he would reply, “Not now…I’m too tired…I have a headache.” After a while my hunger would consume me, I would grow very bitter towards him, and eventually I would go looking for food elsewhere.
Just like I need food, my husband needs the sexual nourishment that only I can provide. His desire for intimacy with me was given to Him by God and is a gift that should draw us together. I’m the only one he can share this gift with under God’s perfect plan of marriage. Art not only needs me to share this with him, he also wants me to share in the desire for sex. He needs to hear that I want him!
I’ll never forget how mechanical I sounded the first time I tried to utter, “Oh honey, I really w-w-w-want you.” Art just smiled back and said, “Wow, I can really tell.” But over the years I’ve learned how to whisper this in his ear and really mean it. It lights my man’s world on fire to hear me express my desire for him. And do you know how I got my burning desire back for my husband? I asked God for it.
I asked God to retrain my mind. I asked God to reveal to me ways to make sexual encounters with my husband a bigger priority in my life. I asked God to give me wisdom to better understand my body and courage to talk to my husband about the things that make me feel good. I asked God to help me think about sex in good and desirable ways. And it worked!
I’m not perfect in this area, I have a ways to go, but I realize that my marriage is worth the investment of time, creativity and energy. Isn’t yours?
Dear Lord, stir in me a passion for physical intimacy with my husband. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
Make a great investment in your marriage by participating in Lysa’s marriage coaching conference calls entitled “This Crazy Little Thing Called Love”. The four-week conference call topics include: Great Expectations, Great Sex-pectations, What Every Wife Should Know, and The Legacy of Lasting Relationships. For more information click here: Marriage Life Coaching Calls with Lysa TerKeurst
Capture His Heart Book for women by Lysa TerKeurst
Capture Her Heart Companion book for husbands, by Lysa TerKeurst
What could you do to help your husband celebrate that you are his wife? Does he have plenty of opportunities to experience the physical and intimate satisfaction he craves with you?
The Bible instructs us to, “Drink water from your own cistern.” This means the sexual nourishment your husband needs should come from his wife alone. Give him the nourishment that only you can provide.
If you’re struggling with a lack of desire for your spouse sexually, make a point to initiate sexual intimacy with him. Though it may seem awkward at first, your marriage is worth the risk.
Proverbs 5:19 says, “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer – may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.” (NIV)
Proverbs 14:1, “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” (NIV)
Proverbs 31 Ministries