Got your attention? Studies estimate men think about sex from 20 times a day to every seven seconds. The media uses sex to promote, tempt and ultimately sell stuff making it hard for men to avoid sexual imagery. Culture has made sex a tool, as well as a right for all men regardless of character, emotional maturity, or relational capacity.

Clearly, sex is on our minds and a modern obsession, but out of context it is possibly the biggest cause for the degradation of human society. Key word? Context.

So let’s address it: How can we have the best sex?

Get married.

Sex is good, really good, when a man and woman enjoy God’s context for human sexuality. Throughout the Bible, we see sex between a married couple as a divine intention for holiness, happiness and faithfulness. Sex is a gift from God, a source of pleasure (Song 1:2), shared intimacy (Song 2:3), comfort and companionship (Song 3:1) procreation (Genesis 1:28) and a way to glorify God and bless your spouse. The promise of sexual satisfaction is to draw us into the marital covenant to share the joy of physical bond (Prov. 5:18-19), and becoming one flesh (Gen. 2:24).

However, sex outside of marriage is akin to Biblical anarchy. Rejecting the authority of the Bible on issues of sexuality rejects the authority of the Creator to determine what is right and wrong, natural and unnatural, allowed and forbidden (Romans 1:19-25). Unfortunately, trying to enjoy sexual happiness without holiness leads to all kinds of problems, and a plethora of consequences and pain.

For those single men in our community reading this, hang tough because sex is worth the wait, and not worth the trouble. The Bible empathizes with you and equips you, knowing sexual temptation is rampant and it’s passion is difficult to avoid (I Corinthians 7:2, 7:9).

Get the right motive.

Amazing sex is the bonus which comes out of having a trusting, loving, caring, open and honest relationship with your wife. Sex should not be a quid quo pro type of ploy where you try to earn it by doing something for your wife (Prov. 21:2). Keeping a ledger or deeds in exchange for sex won’t work. That’s manipulation. So, don’t fix the gutters so you can lay some pipe.

Your motive should be to honor God, with a mutually submitted relationship that’s under control (I Cor. 6:13, 18-20, I Cor. 7:3-5, 1 Thess. 4:4).

Get a Ph.D. on your wife.

Pay attention, listen between the lines, and learn about her desires, preferences and longings. Men tend to default to visual stimulation and affectionate touch. But that’s not typically the case for women. She wants to know you are thinking about her, knowing her thoughts and needs. She wants to feel special, cherished and admired. Read the Songs of Solomon, and you will see a relationship on fire, words that reflect desire, honor and respect.

If you don’t know your wife’s “love languages,” you may be missing the boat altogether. Take time to find out what triggers her heart beat: Is it quality time together. Surprise gifts? Affectionate touch? Affirming words? Acts of service?

You may even want to take a deeper dive into learning her personality traits. Author David Keirsey wrote “Please Understand Me II”. In his book, he helps unravel the famous “Myers-Briggs” personality test and gives excellent insight into your wife.

Make learning about your wife a life-long adventure, and you will keep the fire burning.

Get humble.

As Jesus washed the feet of his disciples, turn the focus off you, and onto your wife. Find ways to show her respect, and romance. Here are a few practical things you can do:

  • Allow her time to rest (so you can keep her up late).
  • Honor date nights so you both can step away from day-to-day life.
  • Use your words. Remind her of what you love about her in written notes, texts, voicemails and cards.
  • Afford a babysitter or share babysitting duties with other couples so you can make time home alone.
  • Be sentimental, re-enacting events of what you did “when it all started.”
  • Be the spiritual leader in the household. Put an asterisk next to this one! Women love to feel comforted, safe, and protected and they love men of God.
  • Be an encourager. Remind her of her unique strengths, abilities and talents that can be used to accomplish great things.
  • Be chivalrous. It’s not dead. Being polite and having manners show respect, and honors her femininity.

Most importantly, to keep the fire in your marital sex life, you need to keep the fire in your relationship with God. That may sound weird, but in order for you to love, you need to feel loved. And God is the best source.

*Every Man Ministries was founded by Kenny Luck, men’s pastor at Saddleback Church. Kenny created the Sleeping Giant program as a way to give men the tools and resources to make the most of their own men’s ministries and make the most of their walks with God.