What to do About a Weakness for Pretty Girls
- Thursday, February 27, 2014
EDITOR'S NOTE: He Said-She Said is a biweekly advice column for singles featuring a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view. If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to firstname.lastname@example.org (selected questions will be posted anonymously).
QUESTION: I'm 21 years-old and have started a new relationship with someone that I believe to be "the one." He is a great guy and although he's made changes in his life since he came to Christ, I can see that he has a weakness for pretty girls. I've caught him multiple times staring at pretty girls and I can't help but feel hurt. I realize it may be my own insecurity (I've dealt with a failed engagement after being cheated on), and I know he is trustworthy, but I still feel like his weakness may cause issues for us down the road. We've been together for less than a month, so I'm not sure if I should talk to him about it (he came from a relationship where he was constantly attacked for this very reason). Am I making mountains out of hills? Will this change our relationship for the worse? Or is this simply a work in progress?
Let me just shuffle what you told us to give a little more clarity to the situation.
You recently broke up with your fiancé over his infidelity.
You’ve been with this new guy for less than a month.
He’s a fairly new Christian and has been suspect of flirting with other girls.
You have noticed him looking around regularly while he has been with you.
He has been accused of the same thing in his previous relationship.
On the other hand, he’s a great guy, trustworthy and you think he’s the “one.”
In my personal experience and work with guys at that point in their lives, many are not ready to be “the one,” nor necessarily be looking for “the one.”
I don’t want to make an inaccurate generalized statement of all guys in their early twenties, getting out of college and starting their careers (which I am guessing is about where your boyfriend is), nor saying he can’t be the wonderful guy you are hoping he is. However, by your knowledge of his previous relationship I suspect you may know quite a bit more about him.
Nevertheless, in this situation I think it would be best to do…nothing.
By that, I mean continue in your relationship as you are. Don’t make it an issue by mentioning it, don’t confront him about it, don’t let your body language disclose your feelings and don’t discuss (or complain) about it to your friends. Let him be who he is without any influence from you.
At the same time, be observant of his actions and notice how he acts in different situations - alone with you, with his buddies, in public, in social setting, and when other girls are around. Pray you will have clear discernment and wisdom to make the right decision.
You’ve been going out with him for less than a month. Maybe he will realize he is with the one he has been looking for all of this time or maybe he will prove your feelings right and you need to confront him and take action.
Time and the Holy Spirit often tell what we are searching for.
My first gut reaction is yes - you are making mountains out of molehills! That is, assuming he is simply looking and nothing else. I personally would not care a hill of beans if my boyfriend or spouse noticed a pretty woman walk into the room. Shoot, even I would notice that. My concern would be, what he would do next? How would he verbalize it to others? Where is his mind going? What is he saying to himself and to others? Is he acting on those thoughts by lusting in his mind? Is he walking up to the lady in question, or flirting?
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