What to do About a Weakness for Pretty Girls
- Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young
- 2014 27 Feb
EDITOR'S NOTE: He Said-She Said is a biweekly advice column for singles featuring a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view. If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to [email protected] (selected questions will be posted anonymously).
QUESTION: I'm 21 years-old and have started a new relationship with someone that I believe to be "the one." He is a great guy and although he's made changes in his life since he came to Christ, I can see that he has a weakness for pretty girls. I've caught him multiple times staring at pretty girls and I can't help but feel hurt. I realize it may be my own insecurity (I've dealt with a failed engagement after being cheated on), and I know he is trustworthy, but I still feel like his weakness may cause issues for us down the road. We've been together for less than a month, so I'm not sure if I should talk to him about it (he came from a relationship where he was constantly attacked for this very reason). Am I making mountains out of hills? Will this change our relationship for the worse? Or is this simply a work in progress?
Let me just shuffle what you told us to give a little more clarity to the situation.
You recently broke up with your fiancé over his infidelity.
You’ve been with this new guy for less than a month.
He’s a fairly new Christian and has been suspect of flirting with other girls.
You have noticed him looking around regularly while he has been with you.
He has been accused of the same thing in his previous relationship.
On the other hand, he’s a great guy, trustworthy and you think he’s the “one.”
In my personal experience and work with guys at that point in their lives, many are not ready to be “the one,” nor necessarily be looking for “the one.”
I don’t want to make an inaccurate generalized statement of all guys in their early twenties, getting out of college and starting their careers (which I am guessing is about where your boyfriend is), nor saying he can’t be the wonderful guy you are hoping he is. However, by your knowledge of his previous relationship I suspect you may know quite a bit more about him.
Nevertheless, in this situation I think it would be best to do…nothing.
By that, I mean continue in your relationship as you are. Don’t make it an issue by mentioning it, don’t confront him about it, don’t let your body language disclose your feelings and don’t discuss (or complain) about it to your friends. Let him be who he is without any influence from you.
At the same time, be observant of his actions and notice how he acts in different situations - alone with you, with his buddies, in public, in social setting, and when other girls are around. Pray you will have clear discernment and wisdom to make the right decision.
You’ve been going out with him for less than a month. Maybe he will realize he is with the one he has been looking for all of this time or maybe he will prove your feelings right and you need to confront him and take action.
Time and the Holy Spirit often tell what we are searching for.
My first gut reaction is yes - you are making mountains out of molehills! That is, assuming he is simply looking and nothing else. I personally would not care a hill of beans if my boyfriend or spouse noticed a pretty woman walk into the room. Shoot, even I would notice that. My concern would be, what he would do next? How would he verbalize it to others? Where is his mind going? What is he saying to himself and to others? Is he acting on those thoughts by lusting in his mind? Is he walking up to the lady in question, or flirting?
Because we are all visual creatures (designed by God that way!), the looking wouldn't be my concern. However, due to both of your ages and shortness of time you've been dating, I'm not sure you are ready for a committed relationship. If he was chastised in the past for looking at other women, that should be an indication that might not be ready to date just one woman, no matter what he says. Committed relationships are focused on the other person and their needs. Committed relationships are based on mutual trust. You also said this might be revealing some insecurities on your part. This also leads me to believe you might not be ready for a serious relationship either.
I would suggest you spend some time telling him how you feel, how it hurts, you even if it risks the future of your relationship. Perhaps you do need to go back to just being friends so that you can both grow more in Christ. If he is "the one" he will still be the one in six months. Then you can continue to observe his behavior, praying and asking God for the right steps.
When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways (1 Corinthians 13:11, ESV).
HE is … Cliff Young, a Crosswalk.com contributing writer and a veteran single of many decades. He has traveled the world in search of fresh experiences, serving opportunities, and the perfect woman (for him) and has found that his investments in God, career and youth ministry have paid off in priceless dividends.
SHE is ... Kris Swiatocho, the President and Director of TheSinglesNetwork.org Ministries and FromHisHands.com Ministries. Kris has served in ministry in various capacities for the last 25 years. An accomplished trainer and mentor, Kris has a heart to reach and grow leaders so they will in turn reach and grow others. She is also the author of three books.
DISCLAIMER: We are not trained psychologists or licensed professionals. We're just average folk who understand what it's like to live the solo life in the twenty-first century. We believe that the Bible is our go-to guide for answers to all of life's questions, and it's where we'll go for guidance when responding to your questions. Also, it's important to note that we write our answers separately.
GOT A QUESTION? If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to [email protected] (selected questions will be posted anonymously). While we are unable to answer every inquiry, we do hope that this column will be an encouragement to you. Click here to visit the He Said-She Said archives.
Publication date: February 27, 2014