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Facing Financial Infidelity
Mary Hunt
Debt-Proof Living
Infidelity - being sexually unfaithful to your
spouse could certainly create one industrial-strength barrier to
financial harmony in a relationship. But today I’m talking about financial
infidelity, which is the subject of many letters I receive.
Is there any hope for my situation? I have run up more than $75,000 of unsecured debt. My husband doesn’t know and I will never be able to tell him. It takes my entire paycheck just to make the payments on this debt and it seems like I’m getting nowhere with it. What can I do? I don’t want to file bankruptcy, but I’m beginning to think that’s my only way out. Please help me.
While not all financial infidelity is as serious as $75,000 of secret debt, money secrets between partners can grow into barriers of serious proportion. Money secrets destroy trust.
Here is my standard response to letters like this one:
Imagine for a moment that it’s not you but your spouse who wrote to me. How do you want me to respond? Shall I tell him to just keep quiet and do the best he can so you never find out? Or would you want me to plead with him to confess with total remorse and a willingness to make things right?
No one has responded that they’d like me to advise their spouse to keep quiet. Just thinking about the situation in those terms helps the letter writer see what must be done.
Because financial infidelity is such a pervasive problem these days, I’m going to interject right here the steps I offer to anyone facing this problem:
Acknowledge. Call this what it is: betrayal and deceit.
Show remorse. Your spouse needs to know that you are truly, sincerely sorry for what you have done. You probably can’t apologize often enough, making sure you do not include, “Yes, but ...” or any other attempts to justify. True remorse says, “I was wrong and I am sorry.”
Understand. Remorse, necessary as it is, doesn’t take away the pain. But it does put recovery in motion. Your spouse may need time to process and rebuild trust.
Promise change. If you can honestly say you are now committed to total financial honesty, let your spouse know in no uncertain terms your plan.
Share details. Your spouse has every right to know the full extent of your financial indiscretions as well as your specific plans for recovery.
Offer reassurance. Even though you have decided to reform, your spouse may still be reacting for some time. Your first reassurance needs to be that the activity has stopped.
Commit yourself fully. One of the keys to financial harmony is mutual respect and accountability. Let your spouse know that you are 100 percent committed to debt-proof living.
Consider counseling. There are times, although rare, that a spending problem signals something much deeper, like addiction or serious depression. This may be a wake-up call that moves you to address underlying issues.
Unresolved anger. Anger is not bad or evil; it is an emotion that is a mask for hurt or fear. It is a normal response to an unsatisfied hunger. Talking it out, praying and confronting the issues behind the anger are the ways to dissolve it.
Spouses expect to trust each other—financially, sexually and emotionally. Stealing and dishonesty are things they need to watch for in the outside world, but certainly not within this intimate arrangement known as marriage.
Whenever a couple’s “trust account” is violated (one or the other makes a big “withdrawal”), the choice is to either resolve the issue or let it grow into a major barrier. Layer upon layer of broken trust can push spouses far apart and do terrible damage to their marriage.
No matter the barrier, if it is standing in the way of you having an open and deeply honest marriage it needs to be identified. And then it’s time to schedule a demolition party!
© 2008 Debt-Proof Living. All rights reserved. Used with permission.
Is there any hope for my situation? I have run up more than $75,000 of unsecured debt. My husband doesn’t know and I will never be able to tell him. It takes my entire paycheck just to make the payments on this debt and it seems like I’m getting nowhere with it. What can I do? I don’t want to file bankruptcy, but I’m beginning to think that’s my only way out. Please help me.
While not all financial infidelity is as serious as $75,000 of secret debt, money secrets between partners can grow into barriers of serious proportion. Money secrets destroy trust.
Here is my standard response to letters like this one:
Imagine for a moment that it’s not you but your spouse who wrote to me. How do you want me to respond? Shall I tell him to just keep quiet and do the best he can so you never find out? Or would you want me to plead with him to confess with total remorse and a willingness to make things right?
No one has responded that they’d like me to advise their spouse to keep quiet. Just thinking about the situation in those terms helps the letter writer see what must be done.
Because financial infidelity is such a pervasive problem these days, I’m going to interject right here the steps I offer to anyone facing this problem:
Acknowledge. Call this what it is: betrayal and deceit.
Show remorse. Your spouse needs to know that you are truly, sincerely sorry for what you have done. You probably can’t apologize often enough, making sure you do not include, “Yes, but ...” or any other attempts to justify. True remorse says, “I was wrong and I am sorry.”
Understand. Remorse, necessary as it is, doesn’t take away the pain. But it does put recovery in motion. Your spouse may need time to process and rebuild trust.
Promise change. If you can honestly say you are now committed to total financial honesty, let your spouse know in no uncertain terms your plan.
Share details. Your spouse has every right to know the full extent of your financial indiscretions as well as your specific plans for recovery.
Offer reassurance. Even though you have decided to reform, your spouse may still be reacting for some time. Your first reassurance needs to be that the activity has stopped.
Commit yourself fully. One of the keys to financial harmony is mutual respect and accountability. Let your spouse know that you are 100 percent committed to debt-proof living.
Consider counseling. There are times, although rare, that a spending problem signals something much deeper, like addiction or serious depression. This may be a wake-up call that moves you to address underlying issues.
Unresolved anger. Anger is not bad or evil; it is an emotion that is a mask for hurt or fear. It is a normal response to an unsatisfied hunger. Talking it out, praying and confronting the issues behind the anger are the ways to dissolve it.
Spouses expect to trust each other—financially, sexually and emotionally. Stealing and dishonesty are things they need to watch for in the outside world, but certainly not within this intimate arrangement known as marriage.
Whenever a couple’s “trust account” is violated (one or the other makes a big “withdrawal”), the choice is to either resolve the issue or let it grow into a major barrier. Layer upon layer of broken trust can push spouses far apart and do terrible damage to their marriage.
No matter the barrier, if it is standing in the way of you having an open and deeply honest marriage it needs to be identified. And then it’s time to schedule a demolition party!
© 2008 Debt-Proof Living. All rights reserved. Used with permission.
"Debt-Proof Living" was founded in 1992 by Mary Hunt. What began as a newsletter to encourage and empower people to break free from the bondage of consumer debt has grown into a huge community of ordinary people who have achieved remarkable success in their quest to effectively manage their money and stay out of debt. Today, "The Cheapskate Monthly" is read by close to 100,000 Cheapskates. Click here to subscribe.
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