Dear Dr. David,

My fiancée still talks to her ex-lover of seven years on a regular basis. She says it's very innocent because they have been friends for many years. I’ve told her I’m uncomfortable with it, and she tells me I don’t need to be bothered. Should I be concerned? Nervous

Dear Nervous,

From your question, it sounds like you are concerned, and with good reason. To tell someone—you—that you shouldn’t feel what you’re feeling, is unfair at best, and even insulting. You feel what you feel, and your concern is understandable.

I have spoken before about building hedges of protection around our relationships. It’s so easy to live in the “gray areas” of life, where we flirt with danger, never thinking we could fall into temptation. But, we do. The Scriptures repeatedly warn us about these things: “So, if you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall.” (I Corinthians 10: 12) The Apostle Paul warns about “fleeing any appearance of evil.” (I Thessalonians 5: 22)

Think about it. Even if your fiancée has no inappropriate intentions, she has shared her heart, soul and body with this person—for seven years! They know the most intimate details of each others lives—more than you know about her at this point. Most would be appalled and very threatened at her behavior.

Your fiancée’s willingness to engage in a relationship with her former lover suggests a serious blind spot on her part. To purport that she is on safe ground seems foolish. To suggest that he has pure motives as well also seems naive. The Scriptures are right when they warn us about the sureness of our footing, and how easy it is to fall. She appears to be standing now, but a fall would be disastrous.

Even if your fiancée has innocent motives, your relationship—being engaged—indicates that your feelings need to be of paramount importance to her. In other words, if it bothers you, that should be enough to influence her behavior. Let her know, again, that you are very uncomfortable with her relationship to this man, and ask her to honor your concerns by ending the relationship. 

Let me use another illustration. If my wife is bothered about how often I watch professional football on television, her concern should be enough for me to re-evaluate my behavior. Even if I can justify my football watching with a hundred and twenty arguments, her concern should be enough to influence me. When we enter into a committed relationship, our autonomy ends. While we certainly retain individuality, including preferences, feelings and personality, we now have another person to whom we must respond and be accountable.

Let your fiancée know you expect, and will give, purity in your marriage, in thoughts, behavior, attitudes and intentions, forever.

Dear Dr. David,