Editor's Note: Do you need sound, Biblically-based advice on an issue in your marriage or family?  Dr. David will address two questions from Crosswalk readers in each weekly column. Submit your question to him at TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.

Dear Dr. David,

I have been married for almost 13 years.  I can't remember many happy times during this time period.  My husband is controlling.  When he tells me something I should change, I try and do this, except it is never good enough or once that situation is fixed, he will start in on something else.  I feel he will always find something wrong with me. 

Our son is nine years old and has picked up on the treatment of my husband to me.  He gets mad at his father and asks him why does he have to be so mean to his mom all the time.  My husband never has an answer but feels he is doing nothing wrong.  It's all me and my behaviors. I have now gained weight because of all the stress and unhappiness in the marriage.  He told me recently I could leave if I wanted to---then at least he wouldn't have to deal with my weight gain and me not doing anything about it. 

I used to be very independent and happy but feel that the person I was has been destroyed and now I don't know who I am or how I am supposed to act.  I can't take the unhappiness, loneliness and controlling behavior any longer.  I am so angry now I feel like I am going to explode.  I want nothing to do with my husband and my family has said I can move back home.  They see how he is destroying me.  How do you stay with someone that no matter what you do is not good enough? Should I stay or should I go?  ~ Suffocating

Dear Suffocating,

Your email speaks to thousands of women, and men, who feel controlled in their marriage. As you suggest, when you’re in a controlling relationship, there is often nothing you can do to win complete approval. Thus, you’re on a vicious treadmill, forever trying to gain approval that never comes, all the while losing self-esteem and the person God has created you to be.

However, the picture is not as simple as it appears. While we never appreciate someone controlling us, often we unwittingly play into this destructive pattern by trying to win the other’s approval, thereby feeding into the vicious cycle. This appears to be the case in your marriage.

Let’s take a step back and see how this works.

Your husband wants his way. He has a vision for how things “should” be, moralizes about it to himself and you, thereby making you feel ashamed for not living up to his expectations. Your weight may be an example of this. He can make you feel guilty for being over weight. Feeling guilty and ashamed, you try to please him—but you can never do this. If you lose the “right” amount of weight, according to him, there will some other issue, because, it’s not really all about the weight. It’s about control, expectations and demands.