There are steps you can take to assist a man in “waking up” to the dangerous reality of his marriage being in trouble and the importance of mutuality in marriage.

One, get your husband’s attention and then talk straight to him about the problem. Let him know that you are tired of being the one to arrange date nights; tired of planning vacations; tired of trying to bring new life to a tired and dull marriage. Make sure he understands that change is not optional—without it there will certainly be a crisis he will not like.

Two, challenge him to agree with you on a co-responsible course of action for re-invigorating your marriage. The key is co-responsibility. Encourage him to see that the marriage is a joint relationship, where two people are responsible for the direction of the marriage. This cannot be something he does for you, to make you happy. He must take ownership of the problem and the corrective actions. Make a clear agreement about who will be responsible for what, and then hold one another accountable for these decisions.

Three, develop a clear picture of what an enlivened, exciting, adventurous marriage looks like. Draw it out. Talk it out. What does it look like—specifically? Will you create a time to chat every evening? Will you spend one weekend away every eight weeks, sending the kids to their grandparents so you can work on your marriage? Are there travels, concerts, activities you enjoyed previously that you want to enjoy again? Plan it, arrange it, do it.

Fourth, when he does participate, show him genuine appreciation. Everybody appreciates encouragement. Your mate needs you to notice any efforts he is making. Each effort and action is an opportunity for further growth. 

Fifth, prepare for slippage. Every couple drifts at times. This is to be anticipated and expected. It is not planned—it just happens. But, you can make provisions for keeping one another on track. You can both be intentional about reaching your agreed upon goals. Even after there’s been a slip, you can encourage one another to work on the marriage again.

Finally, commit everything to prayer. Come together before the Lord and pray that He helps you bring new life to your relationship. Pray for courage and strength to work as a team in rebuilding your marriage. “Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.” (Proverbs 16: 3)