Editor's Note: Do you need sound, Biblically-based advice on an issue in your marriage or family?  Dr. David will address two questions from Crosswalk readers in each weekly column. Submit your question to him at TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.

Dear Dr. David,

How do you handle a marriage where the husband acts warm and loving one day, and angry and irritable the next? I’ve been married to him for twenty years and it’s been like living on a roller coaster. When he is irritable, which is often, we argue and fight and say hurtful things to each other. We are always on edge with each other, he never talks unless I initiate the conversation, and even at that, we are both guarded when we talk. 

I’ve asked my husband many times if he’ll go for counseling, because I believe he might be depressed. He says he’s not depressed and won’t consider going for help. We can never discuss anything rationally and peacefully because he will fly off the handle, which then sends me flying off the handle. I feel that we just have a marriage in name only and want to leave.  I keep going back and forth in my mind thinking that maybe it will work out after all, but I feel that there has been too much water over the dam creating damage to our marriage over these past several years to even try to salvage it at this point. He can actually turn his emotions around several times during the day! Any suggestions? ~ Miserable in Marriage

Dear Miserable,

Any time someone’s mood fluctuates the way your husband’s does, there’s a problem. Roller coaster emotions have several possible origins, each of which should be explored.

First, it is quite possible that your husband is biochemically and emotionally depressed. Men express depression differently than women. While women tend to talk about their discouragement and sadness, men rarely share their feelings openly. Instead, it comes out in the form of irritability. Your husband needs to see a physician and counselor to rule out clinical depression.

Second, you note that you “fly off the handle” in response to his anger. Obviously, you have communication and conflict resolution problems which must be addressed. You need skills, and these can be learned. While I certainly don’t condone his anger and irritability, you need to work on your reactivity as well. I strongly suggest you seek counseling to learn how to not get hooked by his outbursts. (Please see my recent book, Dealing With the CrazyMakers in Your Life.)

Finally, I’m concerned about your approach to the problem. You go back and forth in your mind that “maybe it will work out.” Problems don’t just “work out.” Problems need solutions, and you need his participation to help you work out your problems. As long as you stay and hope for change, without taking definite, decisive action, you’re enabling a very dysfunctional process to continue.