Editor's Note: Do you need sound, Biblically-based advice on an issue in your marriage or family?  Dr. David will address questions from Crosswalk readers in each weekly column. Submit your question to him at TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.

Someone said that if we took the time to fully understand where another was coming from—if we walked in their shoes for a mile—we wouldn’t be critical of them. Knowing what they’ve been through, their life experiences, we’d understand why they think the way they do, feel what they feel, and make the choices they do.

 Not that this empathy always makes you agree with other’s decisions, but that empathy creates the necessary bond to maintain a healthy connection to others.

Practicing empathy, as you know, takes work. It is not always easy to listen to your mate’s point of view, when it is opposed to your own. It isn’t easy to listen to them criticize you, when you already feel insecure and perhaps “wrong.”

But listening, and empathy, is the bridge that keeps us connected with others. If we focus on our differences, or worse, attempt to coerce others into seeing things the way we see them, we cause discord, uncertainty and a lack of safety. We say to our mate:

• “I can’t understand why you feel the way you do.”
• “I think you’re overreacting.”
• “You’re wrong.”
• “Get your act together.”  
• “You can’t possibly believe that.”

Like a frightened turtle tucking itself into it’s shell, you’ll see your mate retreat or react. Neither will produce the results you want—a safe place for you and your mate to discuss ideas.

While many disagreed with the man, in the previous column, who wanted his independence and relationship too, you encouraged the woman to run from this controlling man. A recent response took our comments one step further.

Dear Dr. David. I do think that each one should empathize with the other's feelings of insecurity, but I would like to take this one step further.  I think insecurity is an issue that should surely be dealt with before getting married or there are going to be some real issues later on.  They may not surface for years, but trust me, they WILL rear their ugly heads.  Whether it's unfaithfulness in a previous relationship, trust issues because of abandonment by a parent in childhood, abuse, etc., these things need to come out and healing needs to begin before stepping into another relationship because you're bringing baggage that will only cause harm.  When one or both parties come into the relationship with insecurities, it opens doors for a lot of bad habits to be formed.