I have been married almost 16 years and I was completely insecure from a previous marriage, and my husband had some deep insecurities due to abuse in his childhood.  The first 10 years, I was completely jealous and unnerved about everything and everyone.  It caused major turmoil for him.  Our marriage almost ended because of it so I sought counseling and loosed myself of the burden of thinking this man could provide EVERYTHING I needed emotionally.  Only God can do that.  Once I made it to the other side, my husband started dealing with his insecurities and I wanted so badly to "fix" him that I pushed and prodded, told him what I had done to get help, etc. and, again, it almost cost us our marriage.  It became a total "co-dependency" situation with me being so focused on fixing him that I totally lost my identity.  It caused a lot of problems!  It has taken us both almost 16 years to realize the other one can't fix anything, only God can, and we have to WANT the help.  That's the biggest key.  You can't force someone to deal with something until they are completely ready.

Do you agree with this woman? Should we have all our insecurities dealt with before entering a new relationship? If not, will they create havoc in the new relationship?

While I agree that this would be the perfect scenario, this is often not what happens. We do bring our baggage into our relationships. We aren’t completely healed from early trauma. We do react to our mate as we have toward other’s in our past.

But then where is the line between empathizing with our mate’s early troubling experiences and codependency? There is a fine line we must navigate. Here are a few ideas, and I welcome your response.

First, we will bring some baggage into our relationship. Many come from broken homes in early childhood, unfaithfulness in marriage, emotional and physical violence in earlier relationships and subsequently struggle with feelings of insecurity. There is no way to enter a new relationship completely healed.

Second, marriage can be a place where we can heal. Who is better suited to assist us in healing past wounds than our loving mate? Our mate sees us in our most vulnerable condition. We are often most transparent with them. Having a “corrective emotional experience” in our marriage, from a sensitive and caring mate, combined with the power of God’s healing in our lives, we can “grow up again.” If we create safety in our marriage, we can see with new eyes how we are behaving and seek to “see” and “feel” differently about our past and present.

Third, it is not the place of our mate to heal our wounds. While it is not our mate’s place to heal our wounds, they can be sympathetic and empathetic to our struggles, creating a safe place for us to have that new, corrective experience. Our mate can minister to us Christ’s healing love.

Experiencing our mate’s empathy and safety, combined with the healing power of God, we can grow beyond a troubled past. The Apostle Paul encourages us:

“Praise to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves received from God.” (II Corinthians 1: 3-4)

Finally, we must practice healthy boundaries. We work to not have our issues spill over into our marriage, creating unnecessary turmoil. We share with our mate when we feel they are putting their past issues onto us. We remind ourselves that their issues are theirs, and ours are ours. However, we remember this is not a perfect world. Our issues are not completely healed, and we must bear with one another’s weaknesses.

So, what do you think? Is there a place in marriage to “bear with one another?” Is there a place in marriage to help your mate heal from past insecurities? How can that be done without being drawn completely into their struggle? Let us hear your thoughts on this issue.

David Hawkins, Ph.D., has worked with couples and families to improve the quality of their lives by resolving personal issues for the last 30 years. He is the author of over 18 books, including Love Lost: Living Beyond a Broken Marriage,    Saying It So He'll Listen, and  When Pleasing Others Is Hurting You. His newest books are titled  The Relationship Doctor's Prescription for Healing a Hurting Relationship and  The Relationship Doctor's Prescription for Living Beyond Guilt.  Dr. Hawkins grew up in the beautiful Pacific Northwest and lives with his wife on the South Puget Sound where he enjoys sailing, biking, and skiing. He has active practices in two Washington cities.