3.      How would you like things to change?

4.      What, specifically, would you like your husband to do? What would you like your sons to do?

5.      How have you enabled things to continue this way?

Once you have a handle on these questions, you’re ready to have a summit. You will need to call the family meeting and explain that you’re no longer going to be cook, housecleaner, bill-payer, laundry maid, etc.

Begin to place responsibility on your children and husband for working out the details of roles in the family. You’ve been doing all the thinking, while they’ve been allowed to drift. This must stop. They must now engage not only their brawn, in doing household chores, but their brains, in deciding how this new family is going to function.

Your main challenge is to stop doing what you’ve been doing. Make it clear what you’re willing to continue doing, but that even doing those things means they must do their part as well. This will be a “give and take” system—everyone does their part, and failure to do their part means you stop doing some things for them.

If you’ve followed any of my writings, I’m a big fan of “no excuses.” I’m also a proponent of not engaging in verbal power struggles. Make it clear that your husband and sons must assist in the household chores—you’re not going to manage everything any longer.

I suggest you give your husband and sons time to think things over. Talk to your husband alone, and then the family all together. Agree to have another meeting a few days later. Develop a system where everyone pitches in, with very clear expectations. Determine what happens if someone “forgets,” which is likely to happen at first. What will the consequences be of failing to carry out their part of keeping the family functioning?

Your biggest challenge may be learning not to bale people out. You have been the overly responsible one for a long time, and it may be harder than you think to give up some control. The end-product of role clarification, with consequences for failed responsibilities, will lead to greater respect within the family and especially your marriage.

I’d like to hear from others on the issue of responsibility within the family. What would you say to this woman? Are there other ways women enable men to be irresponsible within the family?  

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