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Find Hope After Sexual Betrayal
Whitney Hopler
Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer
Editor's Note: The following is a report on the practical applications of Meg Wilson's new book, Hope After Betrayel: Healing When Sexual Addiction Invades Your Marriage, (Kregel, 2007).
The moment you discovered it felt like a punch in the stomach. Maybe your husband was looking at pornography. Maybe he was having an affair or visiting a prostitute. But no matter what form his sexual addiction took, he betrayed the fidelity between you, shattering your dreams for your marriage.Even though it may not seem like it, there is hope after betrayal in your marriage. Here’s how you can find it:
Be honest about your feelings. Instead of trying to deny or suppress your feelings, express them openly to God. He cares, He’s not surprised or offended by how you feel, and He stands ready to listen.
Ask your husband to be completely honest with you. You need to know the full truth about what’s happened, because it affects your own health, and your husband can only heal when he’s willing to be completely truthful. But, while you need to find out about every incident in a general way, don’t demand every detail, because thinking about the details will set up images in your mind that can torment you.
Trust God. Once you decide to trust God with your situation, it’s never beyond help. Expect God to bring healing, even when you can’t imagine it right now. Let go of pain, shame, unforgiveness, anger, a sense of entitlement, and whatever else may be holding you back from trusting God. Be assured that your husband’s betrayal won’t stop God’s good plans for your life from going forward. Invite God to guide you through the pain to accomplish good purposes.
Don’t blame yourself. Your husband’s sexual addiction isn’t your fault. Most sexual addictions start when people are young, before they ever meet their spouses. Sexual addiction isn’t really about sex; it’s about releasing chemicals in the brain that help people escape or avoid pain. So let go of guilt that you somehow caused your husband’s addiction because you weren’t attractive, available, supportive, thin, or curvaceous enough, or because you nagged too much, or because of some other reason.
Wait before you act. Put emotional space between the time you discover your husband’s addiction and the time you respond to it, so you can avoid acting rashly and regretting doing so. When the response you’re considering is confirmed by the Bible, by others whom you trust, and be a feeling of peace from the Holy Spirit, then you can move forward in confidence.
Most Recent User Comments
jackie58
4/1/2008 12:02 AM
your article was very touching, as my husband and I were married for 32 years. He was a minister for over the last 15 years and we also had a gospel group southern gospel. On september 29, 2006 he had to resign the church and left our marriage. He was having and affair with the woman in the group of whom she divorced her husband in July of the same year. They were having an affair for well over a year. He will not admit to any of this, he says that there is nothing wrong with having another realationship while he is still married. They live to together and are still singing gosple music. What is hard for me to believe most of all is that preachers do not check out groups that come in their church. That is how satan sneaks in, he is sneaky and slow. We have 2 grown children and our son has 3 children he does not see the girls one is 4 months old and he has not seen her. He hardly ever calls our children and that is the hardest part to understand, they are the innocent victims.
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linkjoe
3/24/2008 10:33 PM
A great article, but what if you had this problem in the past (even for a short time after being married) and have seen tremendous victory and deliverance, but your wife never knew about the past? How do you tell your wife?
howlongfather
3/19/2008 11:17 AM
I find the article to have a lot to offer, it helped me to reconize some of the reflections and patterns I seen and felt with my own issues and also to let go and let GOD. I find the exemption of women being that of the sexual betrayer common but disturbing, do we not all suffer from these iniquities. I feel this article should not deem male or female but just people in general. I am a male whom has suffered from this iniquity and have been married with my wife for 22 years, this month is our 22nd anniversary. we can make it and make a difference for those around us, if we as GODS people pray together and stay together. I could use a lot of prayer and support , how about you. love......howlongfather
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