Editor's Note: The following is a report on the practical applications of Meg Wilson's new book, Hope After Betrayel: Healing When Sexual Addiction Invades Your Marriage, (Kregel, 2007).

The moment you discovered it felt like a punch in the stomach. Maybe your husband was looking at pornography. Maybe he was having an affair or visiting a prostitute. But no matter what form his sexual addiction took, he betrayed the fidelity between you, shattering your dreams for your marriage.

Even though it may not seem like it, there is hope after betrayal in your marriage. Here’s how you can find it:

Be honest about your feelings. Instead of trying to deny or suppress your feelings, express them openly to God. He cares, He’s not surprised or offended by how you feel, and He stands ready to listen.

Ask your husband to be completely honest with you. You need to know the full truth about what’s happened, because it affects your own health, and your husband can only heal when he’s willing to be completely truthful. But, while you need to find out about every incident in a general way, don’t demand every detail, because thinking about the details will set up images in your mind that can torment you.

Trust God. Once you decide to trust God with your situation, it’s never beyond help. Expect God to bring healing, even when you can’t imagine it right now. Let go of pain, shame, unforgiveness, anger, a sense of entitlement, and whatever else may be holding you back from trusting God. Be assured that your husband’s betrayal won’t stop God’s good plans for your life from going forward. Invite God to guide you through the pain to accomplish good purposes.

Don’t blame yourself. Your husband’s sexual addiction isn’t your fault. Most sexual addictions start when people are young, before they ever meet their spouses. Sexual addiction isn’t really about sex; it’s about releasing chemicals in the brain that help people escape or avoid pain. So let go of guilt that you somehow caused your husband’s addiction because you weren’t attractive, available, supportive, thin, or curvaceous enough, or because you nagged too much, or because of some other reason.

Wait before you act. Put emotional space between the time you discover your husband’s addiction and the time you respond to it, so you can avoid acting rashly and regretting doing so. When the response you’re considering is confirmed by the Bible, by others whom you trust, and be a feeling of peace from the Holy Spirit, then you can move forward in confidence.

Let God alone do the judging. Don’t assume that your husband’s sins are worse than your own. There is no sliding scale of sins; any sin separates people from God and costs Him the same price – Jesus’ blood. So both you and your husband are equally in need of God’s forgiveness and grace. Nurturing a superior attitude or holding onto bitterness is just as much of a sin as any sexual sin your husband has committed. Instead of judging your husband, trust God – the only one who truly knows the state of his soul – to judge him.

Face reality. No matter how you may try to deny the full impact of your husband’s addiction – by minimizing it, rationalizing it, spiritualizing it, or blaming it on some type of circumstance – the reality is that it’s a serious issue with serious consequences. Acknowledge this truth and trust God to help you deal with it, since no situation is too big for Him.

Set boundaries for yourself. Recognize that, in your emotionally wounded state, you’re especially vulnerable to falling into sexual sin yourself. Be sure to set boundaries in your life to help prevent starting an affair with another man who gives you the attention your husband has denied you.

Change your expectations. Grieve the loss of the expectations you had for your marriage before you discovered your husband’s sexual addiction. Then ask God to give you a new set of expectations for the future, and follow God into that future with hope.

Believe your husband’s behaviors, not just his words. Be cautious about responding to what your husband says about his intentions to change. When you hear his promises, look for actual behavior changes to back them up. Trust your husband’s actions (which you can observe) rather than just his words. Ask your husband to make himself accountable to some other men who will help him recover, like a pastor, counselor, and members of a support group. Place appropriate safeguards in place (like financial controls and computer monitoring and filtering) to help your husband avoid future temptation. Whenever you see evidence of new, healthy behavior, let him know how much you appreciate it.

Find people to support you. Look for a Christian counselor with experience dealing with sexual addiction issues, and open up to some other people you trust to help you as you go through the healing process. Seek out people who are nonjudgmental, respectful, objective, humble, will listen to you well, and will point you to Jesus. If you’re not already part of a church, find a healthy one and join. Look for a support group to join, as well.

Replace lies with the truth. Think about what lies you tell yourself regularly about your own value as a person, about your marriage, and about your husband. Write them down. Then, for each one, find a Scripture passage that refutes those lies with biblical truth.

Deal wisely with your anger. Instead of suppressing your anger or expressing it in explosive ways, make time to think through the issue that’s making you angry and turn to God for guidance on how best to respond. Let the Holy Spirit – not your emotions – lead you. Pray for the ability to understand the motive behind your anger and how you should express it in each situation. Don’t delay dealing with your anger; handle it every day to ensure your continued health and spiritual growth.

Give grace to your husband. Ask God to give you His perspective on your husband, so you’ll be able to see how much pain he is in and how much he needs grace. While you need to hold your husband accountable for his actions, you need to do so out of love for him, not pride. Let your gratitude for the grace that God has given you motivate you to extend grace to your husband. Choose to act in loving and patient ways with your husband, whether or not you think he deserves it.

Forgive. Since God has forgiven you, He expects you to forgive others who hurt you – including your husband. Choose to do so, despite your feelings, knowing that you can count on God to help you through the forgiveness process. Pray about all the layers of issues that your husband’s addiction has brought up, relying on God’s power working through you to forgive. Let go of bitterness so it won’t poison your soul, and enjoy the freedom you experience after you forgive.

Remember your value. Your self-worth can take a beating from betrayal. Ask God to help you see yourself from His perspective, so you can understand that you’re incredibly valuable and beautiful in His eyes. List some of your best personal qualities, and thank God for them.

Be honest with your children. If you have children, admit that you’re experiencing trouble in your marriage (no matter how old they are, they already know anyway). Answer all of their questions honestly, trusting God to guide your timing and words. Ask them to pray for you and let them know that you’ve placed your hope in Jesus.

Dream about the future. Pray specifically about each of your dreams for the future, asking God to help you let go of the ones that don’t reflect His plans for you and to embrace His dreams for your life – which are better than you could ever dream on your own. Look forward to more healing and a good future ahead.

Adapted from Hope After Betrayal: Healing When Sexual Addiction Invades Your Marriage, copyright 2007 by Meg Wilson. Published by Kregel Publications, a division of Kregel, Inc., www.kregelgospelcom.net.

Meg Wilson is the founder of Healing Hearts Ministry, offering help and hope to women whose husbands are caught in the web of sexual addiction. A regular speaker to women’s groups, Bible studies, and conferences, Meg has been involved in ministry since her teenage years. Meg and her husband, Dave, have been married for 24 years and have two children. They make their home in Washington.