The second communication technique is a spin-off of the first. This tool allows you to identify certain triggers in your current relationship, understand the feelings these triggers evoke, and attach those feelings to early childhood wounds. This helps you separate past issues from current relational patterns in your marriage. The technique gives you a clear way of seeing how you can confuse childhood traumas with marital issues which cause a great deal of reactivity. It is aptly called The Digging Deeper Exercise because it enables you to find the deeper root of your conflicts.

In doing this exercise you need to answer the following questions:

1. What is the behavior that my mate does that triggers my anger?  (When my mate does this.........I feel this...........)

2. Identify the root of this anger using The GIFT Exercise.

3. Ask yourself, when have I ever felt this feeling before? (Look for a past occurrence, preferably in childhood.)

4. What do I do when I feel this feeling? What is my behavior?

5. What do I really NEED?

Here is how it works using Zach and Kelly’s marital conflict as an example:

Kelly’s Digging Deeper Exercise

1.  What does my mate do that triggers my anger?

When Zach criticizes me about how dirty the house is, I feel put down and devalued.

2.  Identify the root of my anger using The GIFT Exercise.

I feel put down, and hurt, the roots being --- Inferiority and Trauma.

3.  When have I felt this before?

As a child, when my father would constantly criticize me and order me to do chores, but would never help me do them.

4.  What is my response?

 To get angry, yell, and not do what was asked in rebellion.

5. What did I really NEED?     

To be encouraged and complimented for what I do accomplish.

Zach’s Digging Deeper Exercise

1.  What does my mate do that triggers my anger?

When Kelly does not clean the house as I have asked, I feel that my needs don’t matter.

2. Identify the root of my anger using The GIFT Exercise.

I feel unimportant --  that I don’t matter. The roots being---Inferiority and Trauma.

3.  When have I felt this before?

When I would come home from school, often my father would be drunk on the sofa.  The house would be a wreck, and he would make me clean it. If I didn’t, he would beat me.

4.  What is my response? 

As a child, and now, I would hold in my frustration, and eventually explode. 

5. What do I really NEED?

To feel like Kelly is on my team and that she cares about how I feel.

As you can see from this exercise Zach and Kelly’s responses to anger worked against each other. Both saw that they were responding to the frustration in their marriage in much the same way they responded as children. Zach would take it until he exploded, and then yell at Kelly. She would yell back, and then just ignore his implied or verbal requests for change. They both felt threatened, misunderstood, and disregarded. Their deeper feelings were inferiority and pain. As they began to work through this exercise, they could see that they were triggering each other’s soul wounds. They were doing and saying the very things that would hurt each other the most. It became obvious to them that their responses to anger were actually fostering violence in their marriage.

By using these two simple yet powerful tools several major things happened to this couple in a short period of time. They learned to share calmly and rationally without reactivity which perpetuated verbal and physical violence. Because there was no reactivity, they could more easily hear what each other was saying. Both Zach and Kelly understood for the first time why these issues impacted them so deeply and what was behind their frustration. They learned a great deal about each other’s soul wounds and the childhood traumas that their marital conflicts triggered. Lastly, they determined what each other’s needs actually were. Kelly saw that rather than her need being for Zach to stop criticizing her, she actually needed him to compliment and affirm her. More than a clean house, Zach realized that he wanted to feel that Kelly really cared about his needs

As a result of their deep sharing, both Zach and Kelly saw empathy from each other for the first time in years. Kelly said it best when she reported, “We actually listened to each other with our hearts, not just our ears. It created a ‘healing feeling’ in our relationship that made us want to meets each other’s needs. It helped us heal our souls.” 

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Drs. Beverly and Tom Rodgers have been Christian relationship counselors for the past 26 years. They own and operate Rodgers Christian Counseling and the Institute for Soul Healing Love in Charlotte, North Carolina. Both have their PhD’s in Clinical Christian Counseling. Dr. Bev has a Masters Degree in Marital and Family Therapy and Dr. Tom also has a Masters Degree in Human Development. Together they have written 4 books: Soul Healing Love: Turning Relationships That Hurt Into Relationships That Heal, How to Find Mr. or Ms. Right, Adult Children of Divorced Parents, and The Singlehood Phenomenon: Ten Brutally Honest Reasons Singles Aren’t Getting Married. For information on their books or workshops, visit: http://www.soulhealinglove.com

They have appeared on the shows --- A Time for Hope, His Side Her Side, The American Family, and NBC Nightside, and have been featured speakers on NPR and the BBC. Together they facilitate relationship workshops for couples and singles across the globe. They have been married for 30 years and have two grown daughters.