The results from venting your anger aren’t any better. It still fosters a critical, bitter, and resentful attitude. And venting is no healthier than stuffing anger inside. Since venting doesn’t resolve issues, you just get even more angry and entrenched in this destructive pattern. In the meantime, you will tend to alienate yourself from those closest to you: your spouse and children. Venting anger debilitates you, distances you from your spouse by keeping the loop open, and robs your marriage of joy and stability. 

Much of the hurt and anger you experience in your marriage relationship is the result of unresolved conflicts between you and your spouse. They are all part of open loops, and the longer the loops remain open, the greater will be the turmoil in your marriage.

At some point in every conflict, you and your spouse must confront the conflict and heal the wounds. We’re not talking about going to the mat with your spouse to see who wins. We’re talking about the two of you coming together to confront the issues that prompted the offense, hurt and anger. Here are several tips for confronting your conflicts:

• Disarm the conflict through prayer. The first step toward confronting your conflicts to disarm the potential for further hurt. This can happen only through prayer.
• Take one issue at a time. Piling one offense on another can seriously harm the relationship. It is important to concentrate on one issue at a time and get it resolved before moving on to another one.
• Depersonalize the problem. The key to depersonalizing a conflict is to attack the problem without attacking each other.
• Take a gentle approach. Another way to depersonalize the conflict and neutralize the weapons of verbal accusation is to use I-statements instead of you-statements. Another way to incorporate gentleness when you confront your conflicts is to avoid exaggerations like always and never.
• Seek to resolve instead of repair. Your first response may be to jump in and try to fix the problem by righting the wrong or changing someone else’s behavior. But a quick-fix approach can get you into real trouble because your spouse may think you are trying to fix him or her. Sometimes your spouse just needs you to listen, empathize, provide support, or demonstrate that you care. So what should you do when you don’t know what to do in a conflict? Simply ask your spouse what he or she needs from you.
• Work toward a decision. In many conflicts, resolution is not achieved until the two of you make a decision about what needs to happen. Some conflicts may not need a decision because airing out the issues and providing empathy take care of it. But as you confront conflicts, realize that you will likely come to the point where you need to change course in some way, as a couple or as individuals. Stay open to different options and be open to not doing it your way.

We encourage you as a couple to take a head-on approach to confront your conflicts in a way that will honor your spouse above all else.

Married over 30 years, the parents of two adult daughters and five grandchildren, Dr. Gary and Barb Rosberg, your marriage coaches, have a unique blend of insight and wisdom that touch people of all ages. Together with Gary's 25,000 hours of counseling experience and Barbara's gift of encouragement and biblical teaching, they are equipping thousands of families across the nation through their interactive daily radio program, conferences, and marriage and family.