The question is ridiculous, isn’t it? No one would voluntarily subject themselves to the chance of contamination. Yet, we do this routinely when we subject ourselves to abusive, controlling and angry people.

Angry, controlling people impact our safety. They create a threatening world where we do not grow or feel safe. In some cases, we literally become frozen as a way to cope with this trauma.

Why do we subject ourselves to these situations? That answer is rarely an easy one. It’s not that controlling people are always angry or controlling. Were that the case, we’d find ways to stay away from them. Rather, what is more often the case is where one partner is excessively angry on occasion, or even randomly. We never know what will set them off. This makes the situation all the more unpredictable.

The following letter is typical of many I receive on this subject. In what appears to be an otherwise healthy relationship, there is the unpredictable and terribly destructive element of explosive anger. Not knowing when or where her husband will erupt, this woman walks around on eggshells.

Let’s consider her situation.

Dear Dr. David. My husband and I have been married for 17 month’s; this is a second marriage for me and a first for him.  I have a son, 15, and a daughter, 11.  My concern is that my husband is very controlling and he has issues with anger.  We’ve had some counseling, but nothing long term.  We have been given advice on how to handle issues with the children and each other when it comes to disagreements, however my husband does not apply any of the advice.

Wherever there is a disagreement he will become threatening.  Thank God he has not hit me, however I fear for the day he does. We are both Christians and attend church on a weekly basis.  I want our relationship to work, when he is not in one of his fits he says that he wants it to work as well.  I’m lost, I want to honor God, and do the right thing especially since this is a second marriage, but I don’t know what to do.  I feel like I’m at end of my rope.  When he becomes threatening I leave, but I can’t continue to leave, I have two children, and of course he won’t leave.  What do I do?