A Consequence We Never Anticipated

LARRY: After dating and falling in love with Kathy, I found myself overwhelmed by the desire for sex. As we continued to struggle I wanted to move up the wedding date. The cycle was vicious, and I judged myself a weak leader. It never occurred to me that making myself accountable to a small group of men could have made a difference.

For six years until I moved, I had been a part of a small group of men. We were wholly committed to our mutual spiritual growth. Before this group, I faced life alone. I shared with no one. Now, years later, I find the daily struggle to walk with Christ less harsh and victories more frequent. Truly, a small group of committed men makes each man stand a little taller and walk a little straighter. I wish that I’d had that support and accountability when Kathy and I were dating.

KATHY: Larry and I struggled with our sexual desires while we were dating, wondering if we would be able to stay pure until our wedding day. When we experienced the failure of going beyond the boundaries we had set for ourselves, we would both become upset. I had a hard time believing God could forgive us since it seemed like we fell too often. It was so hard to resist, yet I knew God wanted us to stay pure.

When we finally married, I didn’t realize our sexual wanderings before marriage would influence our relationship. I had developed a great bitterness toward Larry, without realizing how deep it was, because he didn’t have more self-control. I blamed myself tremendously also, but I thought he was primarily responsible.

My resentment and guilt about our failings influenced me so that I couldn’t enjoy sex as much after we were married. It just didn’t seem right to enjoy something we had previously struggled against. I also found that my body wasn’t as responsive as before marriage. It wasn’t until doing research for our book When the Honeymoon’s Over that I learned the illicitness of our touching before marriage had become a stimulus in itself. It also became a trigger for responding. After Larry and I got married, the illicit trigger was no longer there to cause a strong reaction.

It took several years for me to work through my guilt and anger toward Larry. I finally put it behind me when I truly accepted God’s for­giveness. Then I was free to forgive Larry and myself. My sexual response improved over the years, but I missed out on greater enjoyment in the beginning because of our history while dating.

Passionate Patience

GENESIS 29:16–20 Now Laban had two daughters; the name of the older was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel. Leah had weak eyes, but Rachel was lovely in form, and beautiful. Jacob was in love with Rachel and said, “I’ll work for you seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel.” Laban said, “It’s better that I give her to you than to some other man. Stay here with me.” So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her.