May 8, 2008

During the American gold rush of the mid 1800’s, countless victims bitten by the gold bug would spend hours staking their claims then digging, panning, and mining for that precious yellow metal. Problem was, much of what the prospectors dug up and took to the assayer’s office turned out to be iron pyrite, “Fool's Gold.”  Iron pyrite has a bronze/golden color, and sparkles like the real McCoy, but is virtually worthless.

What does any of this have to do with sex?  So glad you asked.

Even in our allegedly sexually enlightened times, most people’s sexual education tends to focus simply on biology and mechanics.  When it comes to romance and passion, people learn from sources like Hollywood, romance novels, daytime television, schoolmates, and porn.  But these sources know nothing about Holy Sex as God designed it. They only teach Eroticism, which has as much in common with the real McCoy as Iron Pyrite does to real gold.

Now, gold and iron pyrite do have one quality in common: they are both shiny. Eroticism and Holy Sex have one thing in common, too: both are pleasurable — even extremely so. But that’s where the similarities end.

Holy Sex:  Don’t Settle for Substitutes!

While the Bible lists eroticism as a sin (cf. Mark 7:21-22), holy sex is celebrated in the Song of Songs and in Ephesians as the sign of the union between Christ and the Church. To illustrate the very real differences between the two, let’s look at a side-by-side comparison. Many of these differences are interconnected, but they are all important.

Pleasure Vs. Pleasure.

As I mentioned above, Holy Sex and Eroticism both feel good.  But even this similarity is shallow. Holy Sex continues to become more vital and joyful with time while Eroticism actually dies in the presence of marital grace.  People schooled in Eroticism often complain, “Sex was great before marriage, but after, everything just died.”  By contrast, Holy Sex flourishes in the presence of grace and allows lovemaking to become more passionate and joyful as the years go by. We’ll see why in the following differences.

Holy Sex: Driven by Intimacy and Arousal
Eroticism: Driven by Arousal Only

Eroticism is all about “being in the mood” a.k.a., “arousal.”  But arousal is a physiological state that is susceptible to exhaustion, stress, sickness, and even getting used to someone.  A sex-life that is too dependent upon eroticism quickly becomes the first thing jettisoned when a couple gets too busy, tired, or familiar with each other.  By contrast, Holy Sex is driven by both arousal and, primarily, intimacy.  The couple practicing Holy Sex works hard to take care of each other’s needs all day long so that even when they aren’t physically “turned on” or are tired or stressed , they still crave the comfort of their best friend — their spouse -- who has found ways to be present (even if they are physically apart) all day long.

Holy Sex: Overcomes Shame
Eroticism: Causes Shame

Eroticism causes us to treat both our partner and ourselves as vending machines.  Pull the lever and get pleasure in return. But people aren’t things, and when someone tries to use us -- whether accidentally or on purpose -- we naturally feel ashamed in their presence.  At first, this causes us to withdraw from the other person, but if this is allowed to continue, we’ll withdraw even from ourselves, becoming cut off from our own feelings.

Holy Sex, on the other hand, is the physical relationship a couple enjoys when they feel truly safe and cared-for by each other. Because of this, lovemaking actually helps a couple feel less ashamed of their bodies and their very selves in the presence of their lover.

Holy Sex: Welcomes Children
Eroticism:  Fears Children

Eroticism is primarily about recreation and thus is very childish. Because eroticism is innately immature, it fears the presence of children and considers pregnancy a disease because it sees children as competition for limited resources that the adult child would put to “better” use indulging himself or herself.  When something more meaningful than recreation comes along – like a baby -- sex becomes just one more formerly fun thing you don’t have time or energy for.

Holy Sex recognizes the truth of Scripture that tells us that children are a blessing that comes with sexual intimacy (Ps 127:3-5) and welcomes them, joyfully and responsibly. Furthermore, Holy Sex is rooted in generosity instead of mere recreation. Those who have practiced generosity before children, though aware of the work involved in parenting, recognize childrearing as a labor of love that leads to even greater loving.

Holy Sex: Forever & Faithful
Eroticism: Momentary and Promiscuous

Eroticism is about getting what can be gotten in the moment (and often, from whomever is there in the moment).  It has little to do with past intimacy or future commitment.  Holy Sex – a physical sign of God’s own forever love for us --  treats lovemaking as the fruit of a permanent, marital relationship that is faithful, fruitful, forever, and free.

A person practicing eroticism gives as much of themselves as they must give to get what they want. Eroticism doesn’t really care about the mind, soul, or friendship as long as the body feels good. This is why a person who learned about sexual intimacy in the context of mere eroticism might find engaging in premarital sex or extramarital affairs pleasurable. The problem here is that healthy human beings really shouldn’t know how to check their hearts, minds, and spirits at the door.

By contrast, Holy Sex believes that sex comes last, after someone has made the lifelong commitment to receive every part of you, and primarily your mind, soul, and friendship. It does not say “Give me your various body parts – thanks!” Rather it says, “Give me everything!” and gives everything in return. Holy Sex honors the entire person, and is the expression of love that results from that honor.

Holy Sex: Places the Other Person’s Needs and Dignity First
Eroticism: Concerned with Meeting My Needs First

Eroticism is very “me first.” It makes a good show about caring for the other, but the lie is quickly revealed by the pouting or withdrawing that results when a lover doesn’t immediately get what he or she wants either in or out of the bedroom. Lovers who practice Holy Sex trust that each is committed to meeting the other’s needs, so they feel free to serve the other first without score-keeping or counting the cost.

Holy Sex: More Joyful and Vital with Time
Eroticism: More Stagnant with Time

This important difference  is really the result of all the other differences. The problem with eroticism isn’t that it values sexual pleasure. Pleasure is good. The problem is that eroticism values pleasure above true love and, like a drug addiction, requires higher and higher doses to allow the addict to achieve the same high. There are two possible results to this situation. Either the couple eventually hits a line that one or the other will not cross and the passion dies or the couple keeps pushing the limits of sexual experience until the boundaries that protect the dignity and integrity of the relationship completely collapse.

Holy Sex, however, remains fresh and exciting because it keeps love the point of lovemaking. Lovers who practice Holy Sex know that that their sexual relationship is like a bountiful fruit tree that grows as their relationship grows, and becomes more fruitful with time and careful attention.

Holy Sex: Gives Life and Health
Eroticism: Brings Disease and Death

The Bible tells us that we can know a thing by its fruits (Matt 7:16).  The well-documented fruits of Eroticism are STD’s, abortion, depression, and estrangement.  The Bible also tells us that “the wages of sin is death.” (Romans 6: 23). Many mistakenly think sin and pleasure are synonymous but this a lie. There is nothing pleasurable about the destruction that results from eroticism. In contrast, the fruits of Holy Sex are joy, health and lifelong intimacy.  Because Holy Sex is always faithful and respectful of the natural order, it brings life instead of destruction.

Many couples believe that a joyful, vital, soulful sexual relationship should just happen naturally, but they are mistaken.  Eroticism may be as easy as falling off a log, but let’s be honest - who wants to fall off a log?  The truth is, Holy Sex takes work and commitment.  But with the work comes a relationship that can make the angels smile and the neighbors jealous.