Editor's Note: Do you need sound, Biblically-based advice on an issue in your marriage or family?  Dr. David will address questions from Crosswalk readers in his weekly column. Submit your question to him at: TheRelationshipDoctor@gmail.com.

Every marriage has its ups and downs. That is to be expected. Some relationships seem to have more times of crisis than peace and harmony. Why is there such tension, you wonder?

During the worst of times the tension is so thick you can cut it with a knife. You walk on eggshells, hoping not to make him/ her angry. You hope and pray for the best, wishing whatever has possessed your mate will disappear and you can have your mate back. All you want is a normal marriage. Is that too much to expect?

One of the primary reasons for conflict is story-starters—provocative statements of blame and criticism that start arguments. During difficult times, your mate blames you and you blame them. You “bite” on their angry attacks. You slip into non-productive conversations, wondering what happened. You feel like you’re going crazy because you can’t figure out exactly what’s going on. Are you really as bad as they make you out to be? Are you really the reason they threaten to leave?

As you survey the past, using a fine-toothed comb, you find times when you could have handled things differently. You’re certainly guilty of some wrong-doing. You’ve taken responsibility and apologized, but your apologies go unaccepted. What else can you do?

End the story-starters.

Ending your part in story-starting is a powerful tool, useful whether you are getting along fabulously or fighting like cats and dogs. I owe this concept to a client who is hoping his mate won’t leave, following months of threats to do so. He has become an expert at side-stepping story-starters.

Let’s imagine a possible scene from a man and wife, where she has moved out, but they have occasional contact. She feels angry about a bill he sent to her. It goes like this:

Wife: “I got the bill you sent me. Why did you send it to me? It’s your bill. You know I can’t afford this payment.”

Husband: “I sent it to you because you agreed to pay that bill. Don’t you remember?”

Wife: “I didn’t agree to pay it. Here you go again. This is the kind of stuff that drives me crazy. You’ve done this to me the whole twenty years we’ve been married.”

Feeling defensive and confused as to how to respond, the husband over-reacts.

Husband: “C’mon. The whole twenty years? We never fought about money the whole twenty years we’ve been married.”